Friday, October 10, 2014

Top 5 Pieces of Theater I Wish I Could See.

Yesterday I saw the news that Punchdrunk is planning an immersive theatrical experience in Los Angeles. A trip to LA, at some unidentifiable time in the future when I have more money and time off, seems completely doable, much more so than London. Within the past year there have been so many productions that I've been unable to see, because I am in Austin Texas and they are in Elsewhere. Aside from "The Drowned Man," here are a few others for which I would have happily bought a plane ticket, had it been possible:

1."Imagining O." This, more than anything else, I wanted/want to see - I hope that it's restaged or remounted at some point because I would happily travel to see it. The idea of an immersive Story of O...I don't know if I've heard of another work being developed as immersive theater that has intrigued me so much and made me wonder just how far the artists were going to push the boundaries of the audience members. And, as an aside, I would LOVE to create a performance inspired by O myself, as I think there's an interesting feminist take to be had there. Because as brilliant as Schechner is and as much as I want to see this piece, I am far more interested in a woman's perspective and voice on Reage's novel (the first piece of published erotica written by a woman? or at least with a fascinating backstory about the writer's identity and outrage around its subject matter) than I am in a man's. I've been brainstorming a couple of things and merging "O" with other images, stories, pieces of literature that I love. I don't know if it's "immersive" or "performance art" or installation but I've wanted to say SOMETHING about this book ever since I discovered it tucked away in props storage at Surflight Theater back in 2000. This is one of those projects that will probably kick around in my brain for a couple of years until I'm someday in the right place, financially and geographically and mentally, to create it.

"Imagining O"


2. "BrainExplode!" It's not really an immersive piece but definitely one in which the audience gets to exert some control over the play, using game mechanics in a fascinating way. I heard about this piece over the summer, and it was just one of those huge YES moments. The concept is so ridiculously simple and elegant. I would see this several times, and probably most of those would be just to watch the audience.

3. "STRATA." This piece was on the cover of American Theater Magazine last summer and wasn't around long enough for me to hop on a plane to Pittsburgh for it. The design is what struck me first, the image on the cover of the magazine was beautiful and I'm a huge sucker for immersive/interactive/non-linear work that is well-designed. Furthermore, STRATA played with giving the audience members a degree of agency over their journey that actually led to a number of different ways the show could progress.
"STRATA"

4. "Fifth Column." If this extends...oh god. I'm going to London. Or moving there. I mean, all I hear about London theater lately are experiences like this. PS, my birthday is coming up, and they have the perfect one-of-a-kind gift.

5. "Ring." I saw this group's piece "The Bench" at Fusebox a couple of years back, and it was probably the first piece of theater I experienced that involved the "audience" wearing headphones and taking instruction on what to do next as the "performer." "Ring" dispenses with the visual elements entirely and leaves the audience with only sound and darkness.

 And also...
6. "GamerGate! The Musical." Please, dear god, someone make this.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Sexism, Entitlement, Art & Geek Culture.

I've been following #GamerGate for the past two months, despite my better judgement. It is, at turns, hysterical and infuriating and stressful. Hysterical because to the outside world, a lot of what has happened in this controversy looks absolutely ridiculous. Infuriating and stressful because unfortunately, it has actually affected quite a few actual lives, and not in a good way. During load in for one of my recent shows I told a friend, artistic director of a well-respected company in Austin, all about this "scandal," and it was quite satisfying. He is the type of person who doesn't pull punches when talking about the world around him and the oppression of different groups of people that is inherent in our culture. We had a good, long laugh at the idea that #GamerGate happened at all, that people are "fighting" this "battle" with the tactics that they are using. Given that #GamerGate started at the same time as the events in Ferguson, it was insane to us that energy and airtime was being given to this issue. My own twitter feed was like a surrealist piece of performance art - dueling threads about Ferguson and the oppression of white men in gaming culture. One seems like an actual problem, and the other like a whole lot of whining.

Except #GamerGate has had real-life impacts on the lives and careers of actual people, mainly women. The next time anyone at any college sits around wondering why it is that they can't get more girls interested in majoring in computer sciences, point them towards this issue. Why would they want to, if it meant risking this kind of treatment?

Katherine Cross's tweets, on women in the gaming industry leaving

It's not just a problem with gamer culture though, it's a larger problem with, I believe, geek culture. And it's not just a problem with misogyny (though that is a huge part of it). It's a problem of entitlement.

In so many of the pieces I've read about this controversy I see an angry group of people who want desperately to be taken seriously. And that's been true of the gaming medium for years. Many gamers wanted their hobby to be something more than the thing they did that was a waste of time, that was pure consumerism and entertainment and that parents and educators believed was worthless. Games were art, it was argued. And I agree: they are art. And the larger culture in recent years has accepted them as such. Games have now been included in the Smithsonian. Games have invaded how we create theater. Games are now part of advertising. Scholars write and speak about how games can actually improve the world around us.

Someone told me this guy's famous.
And now, gamers are mad. Because when what you do enters the realm of cultural criticism, it's subjected to the viewpoints of people who weren't looking at it before, weren't taking it seriously. It's exposed to feminist theory, queer theory, scrutiny from all angles by journalists, academics, other artists, prominent critics, women, men, people of color, the LGBT community. In short, people who may or may not have fallen under the traditional white male gamer demographic.

Guess what guys. You can't have it both ways. You can't expect the world to take you seriously and not at the same time subject you to cultural criticism. Filmmakers can't make movies without feminist scrutiny, favorite TV artists are criticized all the time. The growing awareness of how women have long been represented in media and art has led to us taking a hard look at rape culture and its effects. And games are a part of that. That is what you wanted when you asked to be taken seriously.

So games are now art - a viewpoint with which I wholeheartedly agree. Add onto that the fact that games now have a much wider, more diverse audience. Add onto that serious discussions about entitlement, rape, racism, queer issues, and the fact that people of different demographics want to be portrayed as diversely as white men have been for years.

You are not entitled to a seat at the big boy table of cultural discussion while simultaneously being allowed to not evolve with culture. No one is. The discussion is happening everywhere, not just in your niche. And by and large, in other mediums, when pieces of art are criticized on social issues the reaction is...wait for it...discussion. DISCUSSION. Not threats, not harassing, not huge online manifestos, not delusions of being qualified to "peer review" academic journal articles based on having played games lots (FYI - I have a terminal degree in my field, and I don't know if *I* am qualified to peer review something IN MY FIELD). I'm not saying that ridiculous sexism and misogyny doesn't occur in other media - it certainly does. Ask Jennifer Lawrence. But to take part in this, and to be taken seriously, you have to participate in civil discussion. You have to consider the other side. And until that happens, your movement is NOT going to be taken seriously. People outside of gaming culture will continue to laugh, continue to scratch their heads and wonder how the hell this got to be so "important," and people will CONTINUE to side with those who have been undeservedly harmed by members of your movement. You have to respond respectfully.

Just as the showrunners for Game of Thrones have to.
Just as every regional theater that produces seasons of largely white male playwrights has to. 

The Guthrie: All White Men, All The Time.
And you have to take a look at the way ANYONE is portrayed in your medium, and every medium is guilty of portraying women not as people but as things to win. You are not entitled to women, any part of them. Ever. I know that The Big Bang Theory has shown you that geek guys get the hot girl. I know, because I watched hours and hours and hours of that show while dealing with depression, that women in that show have been unfairly represented. There is one episode in particular that makes my blood boil. In it, Penny (who is of course blonde, beautiful, not regarded as very intelligent and never given a last name) reacts to Howard's outright gross misogynist comments in the way that she should, in the way that all women have at one time wanted to react to a man who thinks that catcalling is a compliment. She flat out rejects him, in not-very-nice words. And 15 minutes later is apologizing to him for it. I know you've been told that saying those things to women is ok, and the woman is overreacting and in the wrong. You are not entitled to the hot girl next door. I have seen, throughout this whole #GamerGate fiasco, references to parts of our bodies as though that's all we are, slut-shaming as though we aren't allowed to have private sex lives. I have personally been subjected to name calling (my favorite was being told I was a "batshit crazy penis-hater"), nowhere near the level of what some women have had to endure, for simply engaging in the discussion. This may be a vocal minority, but it is still a very visible part of your movement. And just as you have to take responsibility for how your art form is perceived by culture as a whole, you have to take responsibility for those within your party who are ruining your good time.

Just as Christians have to.
Just as FEMINISTS have to.
Just as any sub-culture, any group, has to deal with the fact that some of its loudest voices are the least attractive.

And you might want to consider not only distancing yourselves from the hashtag #GamerGate but outright rejecting it, and starting over. #GamerGate started with attempts to destroy the lives of two women. You can't recover from that, and claim that your movement is about ethics. You just can't. No one will take you seriously. You are not entitled to that.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Five Things: Updates from Guapa Tech

1. I'm really, really proud to say that my work on "Bethany" this past May was nominated for a B. Iden Payne award. There have been times in the past where I have thought, why are they recognizing this show? or, Why are they NOT recognizing this show? I don't this time. I feel that between "Sila," "Bethany," the remount of "Orchid Flotilla," "Still Now," and the current "Guapa," I've grown a ton as a designer this year and figured some things out that have in the past eluded me. It's also great to see friends and collaborators also nominated, including Glass Half Full and Trouble Puppet.

2. I am once again sick during a tech. This is the third time this has happened this year and HOPEFULLY (gives self stern look) I'll actually change a few things about my lifestyle now. While on the cruise I tried acupuncture for the first time, in order to stave off a headache that I had on day 1 (my headaches can actually go on for days). It was a pretty awesome experience. And it came with a free lecture on how I need to sleep more often and take time for myself every day. It would be great if I could figure out these things before December, the next time I have a show. The acupuncture experience was so great that I'm actually going to try to go regularly (as regularly as I can afford).

3. Jeff Vandermeer's "Southern Reach Trilogy" - I don't really know how to talk about these books without giving away so much of their disturbing nature. I'm only 20 pages or so into the third book at the moment, but my gut reaction so far is that this is the way nature might react to the damage caused by humans, if nature developed sentience. LOST meets Lovecraft. I am loving them.

4. This morning felt like the first day that fall arrives in Texas - this doesn't always coincide with actual fall starting. It's that great moment when you step outside your house and think - wait, do I need a jacket? Where IS my jacket? I'm about to head outside and find a spot to read so we'll see if it stuck.

5. I recently discovered the blog We Hunted the Mammoth. It's great, but I do need to limit my exposure as most of the posts make me pretty angry. Like this one. I honestly have to repeat to myself over and over that the people making noise like this, threatening women, being hostile, being hateful, whether it's with celebrities and their privacy or with gaming or with general feelings of entitlement and rejection, are a "vocal minority." That the internet fuels their anger and makes their voices louder. And anger is so addictive - that rush that you feel when you're in a rage and you're certain that you are right, and you want MORE of the rush so you continue to confirm your anger by reading or watching more. The internet feeds that. I don't think that it does in a manufactured way, like Fox News, which I'm pretty sure purposefully makes its viewers angry to keep them coming back to buy into a specific narrative that they are creating. I think instead it's just that by its definition the internet provides places for like-minded people to meet, talk, and be angry together. Anger fuels anger, they fuel each other, no one takes a step back to actually analyze their own reactions (or maybe in some/most cases aren't mature enough to do so), and it escalates until there are actual real harmful consequences. How do we combat that? I try, purposefully, to avoid cable news that skews towards the left because it does the exact same thing to me; and I try to not click on every single link that's going to tell me the latest news from the completely awful MRA world. My anger isn't going to defeat their anger and it doesn't improve the quality of my life one bit. But I do worry about how far this anger is going to take its addicts.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Five Things: Updates from Still Now Tech

1. I'm still waiting to get pics from the remount of "The Orchid Flotilla" up on my site, but in the meantime we've gotten a couple of really great reviews, and even mentions of the lighting design!

From Broadway World: "THE ORCHID FLOTILLA unfolds in five parts that go from sunrise to sunset and spans 13 years of the woman's life. The performers/puppeteers are Caroline Reck and Gricelda Silva and they are both glorious storytellers. There may be no dialogue, but they say far more than words can with expression and movement. Underscoring the evening is a beautiful score by Adam Sultan and an exceptional sound design by K. Eliot Haynes. There is also a stunning lighting design by Megan Reilly. Each of the parts of this production shares an equal importance in telling this stunning, moving, ephemeral dream-story."

From Austin360.com: "K. Eliot Haynes’ lovely sound design pairs with Megan Reilly’s dynamic lighting to create a world for the play that runs the gamut of playful, serene, and sad. These production elements saturate the performance with atmosphere and serve as profound backdrop for Reck’s movements."

 
We did this show in 2012 and it's been a favorite project of mine since, a piece that I love with all of my heart and hope as many people as possible get to experience. If you're in/around Austin, come see it before it closes September 20.

2. One year ago this week we brought Ygritte inside to live with us and forever torment Sansa and Asha. We found her living under our deck last summer, 4 or 5 months old. She is hysterical, sweet, and demonic. She drives everyone crazy and runs the whole house, and I'm pretty sure that Sansa still holds a grudge against me for bringing her inside.
Much less whiny after we got the cat tree.
3. I have become seriously addicted to American Ninja Warrior. Ever since I started getting in shape and trying to live a healthier lifestyle, I've been into the whole obstacle course race thing. I used to think that people who ran the Warrior Dash were insane, and I've now done it twice and am hoping to do the Tough Mudder in May. I didn't even know about ANW until Kacy Catanzaro's Dallas finals run went viral. Travis and I then caught up on every single run so far from the season and last night started watching stage two of the Las Vegas finals. (Do. Not. Tell. Me. Anything. I'm behind because of tech.) It's one of the most inspiring things I have ever seen, to be honest. This year for the first time, three women managed to complete the qualifying course; the fact that none of them made it to stage two of the finals is irrelevant. There is true support among these athletes, the positive energy is palpable through my television. They REALLY want to see each other succeed, and it has nothing to do with gender, height, age, or any other factor, though there may be MORE excitement when someone who seems disadvantages completes it. They regard each other as equals, no questions asked. It really does demonstrate almost everything I believe about feminism and equality: no, it's not fair. But women CAN do it, SHOULD train for it, and beat it ON ITS OWN TERMS. Watching Catanzaro, Meagan Martin and Michelle Warnky run makes me think about my own fitness and training, and whether the idea that women "can't" do this because of blah blah upper body strength is in fact a product of our culture convincing women NOT to work out. I'm involved in a fitness program at my job and have been for two years. One of the first things they told us was to get over the idea that if we, as women, went to the weight room we'd end up with huge ugly muscles. It actually irritates me that there has been some question of "fairness" involved since Catanzaro's run ended. I don't want more fairness in something like this, I want women to beat the game in front of them because they can.


4. I am pretty sure I saw some of the worst in humanity these past couple of weeks on the internet. I have been following #GamerGate and while I knew that the gamer community was misogynistic I didn't know HOW BAD until this occurred. And the one thing that I walk away from it feeling is that art has to stand up to criticism and discussion, and it's unreasonable to ask that games be taken seriously without it. And that's what I've seen - people who insist that games be taken seriously, usually as an art form (which I believe they are), are now harassing those that TRY to take them seriously. If you never want something that you love to face deconstruction and dissection and scrutiny from people in circles outside of your own, don't make it a THING. Keep it quiet, keep it to yourself. The second that art is shown to the public, the public (including critics, reviewers, writers and even (gasp) women) are going to respond. That's the point.

5. Tomorrow night, Shrewd Productions' "Still Now" opens at City Theater. The next day, Travis, Will and I are driving to Galveston to leave on a cruise for a few days. The cruise is sandwiched in between two techs for me. I plan to spend most of those five days sitting by a pool, reading Jeff Vandermeer's Southern Reach Trilogy, and drinking margaritas. See also: my first time trying SCUBA diving and hiking Mayan pyramids. The day after we return, I focus "Guapa."

Thursday, June 12, 2014

The Magic is not Magic.

Of all of the tweets and other expressions of outrage that have hit the internet in the last 18 hours, this one is my favorite:
Last night we learned that the Tony Awards Administration Committee will no longer be giving out awards for Best Sound Design of a Play and Best Sound Design of a Musical. This is heartbreaking and disappointing and does not bode well for our industry.

I do not watch the Tonys. I hear a lot of people every year at this time saying "I don't watch the Tonys" and the reason given is usually the belief that the Tonys are not truly representative of theater. This actually doesn't bother me. I also don't believe that the Oscars are representative of films and I DEFINITELY don't believe that the Grammys are representative of music - why should the Tonys be any different? I don't watch the Tonys because the part that I care about the most - the design awards - usually happens during the commercial break. Unlike the Oscars I'm not likely to have seen any/all of the nominated plays, musicals, or actors, but there is a chance I know - or at the very least, know OF - the designers or their work. I don't watch the Grammys because I don't listen to the music that gets nominated. It's not a function of protest against the show, rather it's that there's nothing for me in it.

Before I became a designer, I did watch the Tony's - I think that this was in 1997, because I believe it was the year that Janet McTeer won for "A Doll's House." That year, when the design nominees named before the announcement of the winner, we were shown sketches, renderings, and models of the set or costumes (possibly lights too, but I can't remember). That was MAGICAL. It showed a process behind the art that required skill, research, and collaboration. But since then the design awards have become less and less important to the overall Tony broadcast and are now given out during the commercials. I go to youtube to watch the winners accept their awards.

I get it, Tonys. My work is less important than selling cat food. It is certainly less important than ratings, and obviously I have always been an anomaly among awards show viewers, and most people watching on TV don't want to see anything other than the musical numbers and the stars. I personally think that's a shallow view of your audience, but you aren't the first media executives to talk down to the consumers of their product.

But cutting out an entire award, not even giving it out unless you feel extra special good about a specific design one year? What does that say? It tells me that a sound designer is not only less important to you than cat food, but doesn't even make the cut as a creative professional. It tells me that the actual value in handing out these trophies has less to do with the quality of the work and the industry celebrating its achievements than it does with SELLING tickets to Broadway shows. And it tells me that my field is quite possibly next.

My husband wrote a rather smart piece earlier in the week on the fact that the design awards have been largely excised from the telecast that garnered more than a few negative comments on American Theatre Magazine's Facebook page. It was beyond sad. What I saw was that my peers think that not everyone should get an award. My favorite comment was this: "Sadly, and realistically, no one has EVER bought a ticket to see the stage manager or the set designer. They know that when they choose that as a career , publicity and accolades will be non existent. Using THIS theory, lets give out awards for Best Usher and Best Ticketmaster Seller, too!! LOL" Thank you, American Theatre Magazine reader, for equating my work to that of an usher. 
Here's the truth. When I was working on the student production that eventually became the REASON Why I Do Theater, the *sound design* was the first thing that really hooked me in. My friends were creating a world with sound, with speaker placement, and this was earth shattering to the Megan Who Knew Nothing, Jon Snow. The production was "The Tempest," it was 1998, and if I remember correctly the creative "team" of two friends wanted the audience to hear the sound of the ocean upon entering the theater, as though they were far out at sea, and have that soundscape gradually change the closer they got to the stage to something more "island"-like. MIND. BLOWN. I'm telling you, I had no idea that what people were doing on stage or in movies or on TV was actually creating worlds and environments. And it was only a small step from that to seeing the way that lighting could do this. I had never heard of sound or lighting being used as an art form before and it changed my life.

Here's another truth. I was working on designing "Sila" since last June, and it opened in February. Design teams are frequently brought on long before a show is cast, sometimes even before it is written or while it's being conceived. We often have a direct hand or at the very least an influence in that conception, in the staging of the show, the motivations of the characters. We are part of the "creative team" on the show. While not all projects enjoy the long gestation period that "Sila" had, we often do extensive research, build scale models, create renderings, test out ideas, throw them away, start over again a thousand times leading up to the moment of design presentations. Most of the ideas behind the productions of "Ophelia," "Black Snow," "Murder Ballad Murder Mystery," and "Machinal" that I worked on with Dustin Wills were the result of many, many hours of meetings and lots of beer at the Dog & Duck Pub, before scripts were finished and actors cast. And all of that work on the part of the design team - which, yes, includes the sound designer - is all done to create a cohesive, whole ENVIRONMENT and story.

Here's ANOTHER truth - if we have done our jobs well, most audience members will never notice our work. But that doesn't mean that it's not there, that it's not well done, that it didn't take skill and years of training or education, that it's not worth rewarding. And when you, Tonys, decide that well, the sound design awards can be cut for __________ what I'm hearing is that the sound designers are too good at their jobs. Because you were so involved in the story being told and the world being created that you didn't notice all the pieces. And because the sound design is not Hugh Jackman or Denzel Washington or whatever huge musical is popular now, it doesn't deserve the same level of recognition.

Here's yet another truth. Broadway may be looked at by many theater artists outside of its circle as something that is safe and overly commercial, but it is very much a place for designers and technicians to INNOVATE. It's where we have resources to do what can't be done at the OffCenter here in Austin. It's not the only place where new ideas are developed and tested, but it is an important one, and a visible one. One of the ways that innovation is visible to the rest of the world - which includes future sound designers - is through the Tony Awards. By excluding them, you may very well be cutting back on that level of creativity and innovation.

One of my favorite artists to work with in Austin is K. Elliot Haynes. I have worked with him in his capacity as a sound designer and as a projections designer. When I come on board a show, and I learn that Elliot is part of the team, I know that the quality of the work and level of artistry brought to the sound design is going to be high. The work that he brings to every production is every bit as important an artistic contribution as what the lead actor brings.

I want to believe that on some level the Tonys *are* about the theater industry recognizing and celebrating excellence.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Five Things: Updates from Bethany Tech.

I've been in tech for Theatre En Bloc's production of Bethany since Monday, as well as paper teching on Sunday night and spending the rest of the weekend immersed in other lighting design issues. It's going to be a really good show, and I'm happy with my work on it. But, to be honest, the show and the design are not what has been on my mind since I woke up on Saturday morning.

1. Let's call the Isla Vista killings what they were: misogynist extremism. "But if you think for one second, for one solitary second, that demanding tolerance for men as a group, that dismissing the reality of violence against women because not all men kill, not all men rape, if you think that’s more important than demanding justice for those who have been brutalised and murdered by those not all men, then you are part of the problem. You may not have pulled the trigger. You may not have raised your hand to a woman in your life. But you are part of the problem."

2. #NotAllMen: How not to derail discussions of women's issues. "Why is it not helpful to say “not all men are like that”? For lots of reasons. For one, women know this. They already know not every man is a rapist, or a murderer, or violent. They don’t need you to tell them. Second, it’s defensive. When people are defensive, they aren’t listening to the other person; they’re busy thinking of ways to defend themselves. I watched this happen on Twitter, over and again. Third, the people saying it aren’t furthering the conversation, they’re sidetracking it. The discussion isn’t about the men who aren’t a problem.

Unsure of the credit - possibly @jordanbks.
 
3. Pick-up artist site on mass shooting: 'More people will die unless you give men sexual options.' "In response, a website popular with Pick-Up Artists is arguing that “six lives would have been saved” if there were a societal mechanism for men to learn “game” and “masculinity” and that “more people will die unless you give men sexual options.'" The Pick-Up Artist community purports to teach men how to have sex with women. The author of this post, RooshV, considers among his fundamental principles that “Women are sluts if they sleep around, but men are not” and that “A woman’s value is mainly determined by her fertility and beauty,” whereas “A man’s value is mainly determined by his resources, intellect, and character.”

4. Your princess is in another castle: misogyny, entitlement, and nerds. "One of the major plot points of Revenge of the Nerds is Lewis putting on a Darth Vader mask, pretending to be his jock nemesis Stan, and then having sex with Stan’s girlfriend. Initially shocked when she finds out his true identity, she’s so taken by his sexual prowess—“All jocks think about is sports. All nerds think about is sex.”—that the two of them become an item. Classic nerd fantasy, right? Immensely attractive to the young male audience who saw it. And a stock trope, the “bed trick,” that many of the nerds watching probably knew dates back to the legend of King Arthur. It’s also, you know, rape."

5. In the fall of 1995 I was a freshman at the University of New Hampshire.  I lived in a dorm room with a roommate assigned to me by the university. I had never been kissed, never had a boyfriend, never gone on a date. I had never before had an email address either - I wasn't even really sure what to do with one, when I got it - and that semester was my introduction to this thing called the World Wide Web (available, then, at UNH via the stunningly gorgeous Lynx browser). I didn't own a computer, so I either used my roommate's to check email or I walked across campus to one of many "computer clusters" that had banks of monitors with pea-green displays. I was sitting at one of those computers one day, in Kingsbury, when I received a disturbing email. I really, really wish that I had saved it somehow, or saved a printed copy, but all that I can do is tell you what I remember of it. It was from some kind of anonymous email address, maybe the "From:" email was blank, I don't know, but there was no way for me to see who sent it. Basically the sender introduced himself as a guy who was in one of my classes, but wouldn't say which one because he didn't want me to guess who he was just yet. He told me he thought I was pretty, and interesting, and he had followed me several times after class, just to see where I went. He said that he knew that I lived in Scott Hall, and he knew which window was my room.

That was the first email. There were a couple of others, in one of them he said he knew that I had one sister and my family back home had a cat, and he even told me their names (my sister's and the cat's). I remember that after the first email I was unsettled, but I didn't do anything about it; after the second, I was terrified, and didn't want to go back to my room. I started crashing at my best friend's dorm. I can't remember if she called the campus police, or if the residence hall director did when I ended up in her apartment a couple of nights later, but eventually I was sitting on her couch talking to a police officer. I had had the good thought to print out all of the emails, and I gave them to her. She took them and within a day or two had traced the emails to the originating student's account. She then called to tell me what they'd found. "Do you know a (name redacted)?" Yes, I did. It was my roommate's boyfriend. He had sent the emails, and they had already talked with him about it. 

It was either that night or the next that I was attending the theater department's infamous production of "The Wizard of Oz" when my roommate and her boyfriend came over to talk to me at intermission, in the middle of the Johnson Theater. He apologized. A lot. He had meant it as a joke, not as actual violence. Nineteen years later I'm still remembering how it was supposed to be funny, that I was being stalked, and that hahaha we are supposed to now go back to being "friends," being normal. Thankfully I don't think the relationship between him and my roommate lasted much longer than that, she had a different boyfriend by the end of the semester (what he did to me was far more insidious and scarring, but wasn't about assault or misogyny in any way). And while pretending to stalk me was definitely not ok, the other side of his joke - wanting me to think that someone had taken an interest in me at a time when that hadn't yet happened - was also cruel.

There are awful stories out there that aren't mine. My stalker turned out to be fairly innocuous. There are people I'm close to who have been in truly abusive relationships, or who have been raped and won't themselves even admit it was rape. But that is my #YesAllWomen story, and it was my first encounter with the idea that violence against women wasn't "technically" stalking, or "technically" assault, or "technically" rape. It was meant to be taken lightly, as a joke. Thankfully, I was surrounded by awesome women who took it as seriously as it could have been - my best friend, the residence hall director, and the police officer that came over to talk to me. I don't know that, had I had the opportunity to confide this in a male friend or even male police officer, the response would have been so quick. I can actually very clearly imagine two of the men who were in my life at that point telling me to calm down about it and not worry so much. And that is why many, if not most, women go to great lengths to structure their lives around the possibility of violence from men - it's normal, it's common, it's not taken seriously. We know that it's up to us to not become victims.

(This week, former UNH student (and theater major) Seth Mazzaglia is on trial for a far more violent crime: the murder (and possible sexual assault) of fellow student Lizzi Marriot. The idea that this is going on in my college town, and that the guy was a major in my old theater department, is hard to take.)

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

On patience.

For the past four years, I've been involved with a strange project - FRAGILE: Global Performance Chain. It started in Italy by artistic duo VestAndPage, who wanted to see if a fragile object (a glass plate, made for the project) could be passed hand to hand, artist to artist, around the world and make it back to the place where it started. Each artist would create something that utilized the object and document it before passing it on to the next. There was an initial call for artists, and I signed up, along with 750 other people. I remember getting the full itinerary of the journey the object was going to travel. I was assigned a spot sandwiched between someone in New Mexico and someone in Kansas. I had hoped a bit that the person to whom I'd pass the object would be in a different country, just so I could have an excuse to travel, but I was excited anyway because I'd never been to Kansas.

I still haven't, four years later.

I remember initially brainstorming ideas for what I would do with the object, or how I would get it to the next person, roadtripping to Lawrence. But the reality of the project set in within the next year, when we saw just how slowly things were going to progress. You can scroll down here and see that progress, the places it's been are the orange dots, the ones it still needs to go to are the black. I'm in the USA slot that's at about 3:00. My friend Misha in Houston recently let me know that she had finally received it, so it has left Europe and entered the United States after all this time, but still has a long way to go throughout North and South America before it comes back to Texas and to me.

Progress as of the writing of this blog post

Based solely on how long it has taken to travel the cities within those first seven orange dots, I'm guessing I have about another 19 years. I'll be 57, and most likely not living in Texas, and hopefully not the same artist I am today. The amount of brainstorming and thinking I've put into this project over the years has dwindled. Hearing that the object did arrive safely in the US is definitely exciting and I'm 100% still on board with the project - but I've also figured out that this is definitely a work of art that can't be planned at all. The object will get to me when it gets to me, wherever I am.

I've had very few opportunities to create like this, and never (obviously) with this unending amount of time allotted. My MFA thesis was one, and it was as close to a perfect collaboration as one can ever hope for. Even then, though, the creation took place mostly within a six month period of time. I'm imagining starting a project with no idea if it will ever materialize, or in what form it will materialize, and being ok with that - but continuing to work on it and let it evolve and breathe however it wants. I imagine Caden Cotard in Synechdoche, NY, creating with no ending in sight, and no real need for one.  I'm starting to brainstorm an immersive piece with Will right now which I imagine we'll have to approach in this way. Maybe at some point the project is finished; maybe it isn't. It's very Buddhist, letting go of the outcome.
It involves keys. That's all we really know.

I am currently undergoing another process in my life that is taking more time than I had anticipated - the academic job search. And I'm learning the exact same lesson, that planning and thinking too much about jobs as I apply to them - where I might live, what my life might be like - makes the long wait to hear back from anyone much harder. This year has taught me that as I move into the next round of searching, I need to let each application go as I send them off, and move on to the next one, or the next project, or the next thing going on in my life at the time. Reading about others' processes during academic job hunts helps - it's unfortunately good to know that there are too many people for too few positions right now. I know that I'm probably an atypical lighting design candidate for these positions and the "right" position for me has to come along. It might take awhile; of all the positions to which I've so far applied, TWO jumped out as a "perfect match," and neither one came to be. I have to breathe, let go, apply, and trust that eventually the perfect match will actually exist. For someone who doesn't believe in fate and carefully plans out each step in her journey, that is a tall order. I've never been a very good Buddhist. But dwelling too much on a nebulous outcome that will happen sometime that is the future leads to forgetting about what's going on now, and ultimately leads to unhappiness and stress.

The process and the journey are just as much of a work of art as the finished project.