Sunday, January 22, 2017

It's a beautiful thing, the destruction of words.

I had a brief moment of insanity yesterday. I saw something I've seen a million times but it hit me differently, striking deeper than usual. I saw someone arguing a pro-life stance claiming to have journal articles, evidence, facts, etc that backed up her views on when life began and women who regretted having abortions, and of course, videos of what goes on at Planned Parenthood. When asked to show us these things, but with the caveat that it not be "those videos that were shown to have been faked" (with a link clarifying it was the Daleiden videos that were faked), the woman immediately started arguing about those particular videos and that indictment, stating that evidence had been "cherry-picked" (they love this phrase) and that the trial didn't tell the whole story. She clearly believed that, regardless of whatever else happened, the videos told the truth, and the media and legal system twisted it another way.

I felt the same rage and frustration rise in me that I felt whenever people repeatedly brought up Hilary Clinton's emails and alleged criminal activity. She had been investigated and no wrongdoing had been found. But no one was going to be satisfied until she was strung up, regardless of "evidence." Because evidence no longer matters, only emotions. Only what any one individual FEELS is true in the moment. And that's when I had this awful realization.

We have allowed someone - the right? certainly it's taken longer than just Trump - to dismantle institutions we put in place in order to act as experts and authorities. Here, it's the legal system. A trial happened, a verdict was passed, evidence was shown, it's a matter of record - but this person (and I'm assuming others) don't believe it. They believe they were lied to by something we are supposed to consider an authority on the subject.

We've also done it to science.
To higher education.
To medicine.
And now we're doing it to journalism.

When I was in college I was studying to be a biologist and that's what my dad wanted me to be. He was disappointed when I went into the arts instead but today, I wonder all the time if he realizes I would have likely ended up a climate scientist, one of the angry ones that no one would listen to. We used to believe scientists and we now dismiss science and all its methods.

A master's degree or PhD is supposed to indicate a level of expertise and dedication in a field, yet even within MY field, where an MFA isn't needed to be a successful designer, an MFA is regularly dismissed or scoffed at. It's just the thing we get so we can teach, and that's really just a silly rule because academics are prejudiced against non-academics, or something. How about some humility? Where's the "this person has a PhD in history, and one time I stood near a history text book and almost got a D in AP History (that's me, btw) so maybe she's the expert and I'm not?" As a whole we've been extremely skeptical of academics and universities, even to the point of believing crazy conspiracies about how corrupting they are. Anything that educates, which has to, by its definition, include exposure to frank discussions about many kinds of topics, including race, gender, history, religion, etc is going to expose students to multiple viewpoints. Education forces us out of our bubbles, but to some mindsets all it does is destroy the particular bubble they want to continue to live in. Now, of course, education doesn't even prepare you for the "real world" and jobs are focused on to a point where trade schools are promoted - which is perfectly valid, but also has the potential effect of limiting the exposure to those discussions and diminishing the level of expertise (scientists, engineers, etc). I work with people who are experts in their fields, but I also know that I have people in my life who hold the fact that I am a college professor AGAINST me.

How many people do we all know who think they know more than their doctors? How many people refuse to use actual medicine because they don't trust it, and turn to remedies that have no scientific proof or backing whatsoever? My husband is alive today because of medicine and science. To quote Sean Spicer: "Period."

And now it's journalists.

Yesterday Sean Spicer held an outrageous press conference in order to berate the media for reporting on the size of the inauguration crowds. The media had lied, the media was irresponsible, he yelled and yelled, before storming off without taking questions. And here is the problem - the journalists are there to ask those questions, because we can't! They're there to make sure these people we've put in charge are held accountable to the truth. That's what they DO. And there was a time when we put faith in journalism to do exactly that. It's why we have a free press, it's why we protect sources to the extent that we do. Now, however, everything except whatever media reinforces our own personal viewpoint is "biased." Yes, certain outlets are slanted in certain directions - the NY Times slants to the left, the WSJ slants to the right - and others are firmly in one camp or another (like MSNBC or Fox). But now people get their news from other places that are clearly not reliable - radio programs that claim they're the only ones telling you the truth (with no other proof than them saying it, of course) or sites that are just clearly only for those who want to stay in their bubble (guys, seriously, stop reading Occupy Democrats). Or even crazy-ass clearly conspiracy fringe - frequently I don't even need to click on them, I just need to look at the URL to know I don't want to read anything I see there. But it took less than a month for CNN to become "FAKE NEWS!" - did you catch that? CNN went from an ok news source to "FAKE NEWS!" all because Trump said so, and all because they almost reported on a story he didn't like. In the last two days I've seen five Trump supporters refer to CNN as "fake news," an opinion I would bet money on they did not have six months ago. The phrase "fake news" was intended to refer to intentionally fabricated news that was clickbaity and appearing on social media and NOT in the Post or the Times or the WSJ, but the right almost immediately coopted the term and made it refer to anything that doesn't confirm their worldview.

Now, we're being told that Trump, who is a man "of the people" is taking his message directly to them via Twitter - where he isn't questioned, ever. Where no one confronts him on the veracity of his statements.

Trump says, we believe. Journalists lie. Scientists lie. Educators lie. Trump tells the truth.

I think there was a book written about something like this...a dystopian future...set in a year that would now be the past. We should maybe, as a country, reread that book. My dad gave it to me as a kid.

And on a side note - did Trump say anything yesterday on the tornado that ripped through the Southeast and killed a dozen people? Because I believe the other former presidents each did. But I can see how one's popularity and inauguration attendance might be a more important issue.

Friday, January 6, 2017

The end is built into the beginning.

After I talked a big game about how seeing theatre is always work, about how for me there is never magic, I had the floor ripped out from under me last night, and it was amazing.

It wasn't immersive either - imagine that.

Last night I saw Andrew Schneider's YOUARENOWHERE at the Walker Arts Center. And I am not over it. It hit me hard, not just because of that thing it did. It had all these allusions to life, death, and time running out, how the end is here before you know it, and well...too soon, that's all I have to say to that.

Photo from
It wasn't just that, though. It was also the repeated use of David Lynch imagery - I've acknowledged that Lynch is one of the things that has come the closest to possibly "scaring" me, and the uncanny has always had a much deeper effect than any horror element ever has. The first two minutes of this show contained more frightening imagery than an entire 8 months of horror immersive theatre, but that's only if, like me, the above image might give you nightmares.

It was also because it struck the same chord in me that Synecdoche, NY did, nine years ago. I've only seen that film once because I've never wanted to mar that experience with a second viewing. It might be the best film I've ever seen, or ever will see, I don't know that anything has affected me the way it did until maybe this show last night. I bought the DVD and never opened it. I lent it to someone who never watched it and never returned it.

And that's really all that I can say. If you get a chance to see this piece, ever, DO IT. It will haunt me for a long time.

"I will be dying and so will you, and so will everyone here. That's what I want to explore. We're all hurtling towards death, yet here we are for the moment, alive. Each of us knowing we're going to die, each of us secretly believing we won't"

-Synecdoche, NY

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Top Five Works of Art Discovered/Experienced in 2016.

1. Blackstar - David Bowie

This had to be #1. I am still crushed by his death and this incredible, moving, ambitious, risk-taking piece of art he left behind. The term "Blackstar" in my house has taken on significance in the wake of his death. This album quite frankly inspires me to get off my ass and create, and hopefully do so without fear, without self, without ego. I'm still planning to get the sequence of six partial black stars tattooed on my wrist in homage to him, maybe for his birthday in January.

2. Learning Curve - Albany Park Theatre Project/Third Rail Projects

This was just a stunning piece of theatre, possibly the best theatre I've ever seen, and had Bowie not put an amazing album out this year this would easily have been #1. I wrote about it for No Proscenium. So much immersive theatre is dark, moody, fantasy/mystery/thriller based and not exactly something with which we easily identify. But we've all been to high school. This is a piece that took me back to exactly how things felt 20+ years ago. The fact that the performers were all high school some, this meant that the performances were uneven, but for me it gave Learning Curve a level of honesty that only strengthened the production.

3. The Tension Experience - created by Darren Lynn Bousman & Clint Sears

What can I possibly say about this experience that consumed my life for eight solid months this year that I haven't already said here, or here, or here, or here, or here, or here, or here? This was a whole new way of combining ARGs and immersive theatre and it was so much fun to be a part of, even if at times it was also painful. I am excited for the follow up next year, The Lust Experience, but I also know that there will be more people, and it will be really different - the strange, unique, crazy thing that we did this year, when there was only a handful of us and we didn't know who was behind it - that's history.

4. Nufonia Must Fall - Kid Koala

Everything about this was performative, every piece of cinematography, every bit of stagecraft, and it was (or appeared to be) seamless. Perfect. It was the kind of production that makes me want to do EVERYTHING in my life better, because OMG, these people DID, so it can be done. Absolutely stunning puppetry, film, transitions, models, camera work, lighting.

5. Hamilton - Lin-Manuel Miranda

Yeah, I'm sure some people are like "wait, you saw Hamilton and it wasn't at the top of your list?" Big musicals are usually not my thing. That being said, I'm so grateful I got a chance to see this one, especially given this year, this election. It was inspirational. And the set design - almost sparse? Nothing wasted, nothing big and showy, and just like #4, it's always a joy to get to see something done WELL.

Almost made the list but didn't:

  • The Day Shall Declare It
  • Retribution, Tanya Tagaq
  • The Dark Forest by Cixin Liu
  • In the Lake of the Woods by Tim O'Brien
  • Arrival

Friday, December 16, 2016

Gratitude, or Why This is the Best Christmas Ever.

This is my favorite time of year. And this has been a brutal year on so many levels, mostly on the global/geopolitical level, though I've had some minor difficulties of my own. But I love the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and have been waiting all semester for the break when I could just become a hermit, enjoy the long nights by the Christmas tree wrapped up in warm blankets watching movies and writing or reading or cross stitching or whatever-ing.

My normal holiday plans were thwarted a bit this year.

Some people would probably expect me to say that the holidays were "ruined," but they weren't. I spent Thanksgiving weekend sleeping in hospital waiting rooms and hoping that the next person to enter the room would bring me good news. I held two fingers of the hand of the person I loved most in the world and thought of all the ways I'd taken him for granted during 2016. I mentally canceled Christmas because I was told it was going to be a 4-6 week recovery period at best, if there was going to be one at all. So when he started to rapidly improve and the doctor told me he was going to be didn't matter that I hadn't eaten turkey, or didn't have a tree, or hadn't started shopping, or wasn't even planning on it.

I had everything to be thankful for, and I had all the Christmas presents I needed. The rest is superfluous.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Inaction gets us nothing.

On December 19 the Electoral College convenes to cast its votes for president.

They don't have to vote for Trump. They can vote their conscience. It's called being a faithless elector.

The Electoral College was created specifically for this - it's up to us to make it happen.

Today I wrote to the electors from the states who are able to do this (in some states they are legally bound to vote for the winner). This is my letter:


Dear Elector,

I am writing to urge you to exercise your right to not vote for Donald Trump in the Electoral College. You currently represent a state that does not bind an elector, and I am urging you to take advantage of that fact.

The Electoral College was formed with the understanding that the electors would help decide a sitting leader who was “capable of analyzing the qualities adapted to the station and acting under circumstances favorable to deliberation, and to a judicious combination of all the reasons and inducements which were proper to govern their choice." There are many examples from this election that indicate that the Mr. Trump does not fulfill the criteria.

But moreover, this election experienced an unprecedented level of interference, including:

· Interference from a foreign government, with Russia and Wikileaks hacking private emails and admitting to wanting to interfere with the electoral process

· Director James Comey potentially breaking 5 U.S.C. § 7323(a)(1) of the Hatch Act

· Allegations of voter suppression in key swing states, including North Carolina

· Incidents of voter intimidation, strongly encouraged by Mr. Trump

Additionally, Mr. Trump has made it clear through the selections he has made for his cabinet and transition team that he has no intention of leading all Americans or in serving the people. If there is ever a moment to consider your role and responsibility in shaping the future of our nation, it is now. I am asking you to do the right thing, and to change your vote.

Thank you for your time, your service, and your consideration.

Warmest regards,

Megan Reilly
224 Vernon St.
Saint Paul, MN 55105


For more information:

The Electoral College was Designed to Prevent Trump. You Can Make This Happen.
Flip the 37
Time to Get Shit Done

I will update this post with any responses I receive.


Edited 11/18/2016 7:03pm:

"Founding Fathers wanted to make sure highly populated cities didn't have total control of the election. We have proven their point. If not for Electoral College, candidates would only visit large cities and the rest of the country would have no say.
No, I am required by my pledge to uphold the voter's desires, which means more than your personal request. If we went that tour, why have an election. The electoral college was put in place to keep areas with large populations from controlling the election. The people have spoken, whether or not you like it, and that vote should stand.
Perfect practice makes perfect performance."

From Bill Conley - South Carolina

Edited 11/20/2016 12:51pm:

This email came in to me today from - interestingly enough this is NOT someone that I emailed and as far as I can tell NOT an elector - if you can show me otherwise I'm happy to edit this. Am I now going to be harassed for politely asking people to do their jobs?

"Its time for you folks to sit down and shut up. Nobody cares about your feelings. Instead you should be calling for an end to violence that has erupted in the cities across this Nation. Hate will not trump Trump.

Jack Sampson

p.s. Ad hominem attacks are the FIRST refuge of scoundrels. If you choose to reply, don't be a scoundrel. Scoundrels will be ignored."

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Dear Mr. Trump - A letter from the "real world"

Dear Mr. Trump.

You don't know me, and you've done absolutely nothing to show me that you care about me or that you intend to be "my" president, should you actually somehow win on November 8 (Nate Silver seems to think that's highly unlikely right now). Seeing as my blog only averages 200 hits on a post that is related to The Tension Experience, which this is not, or is found by people looking for the location of Hecate's ring (by the way guys - I don't think she hides it anymore, you can stop looking), I doubt you'll see this at all. - looking pretty blue

But your "apology" really enraged me - the one you read off a teleprompter, the one that sounded more like a threat leveled at a woman (your opponent) rather than anything contrite. Yes, the tape was from ten years ago. When you were 59, not 19. See, normally when we say things like "he said that ten years ago" we are referring to someone in their 20s, 30s, or 40s, when the maturity difference of ten years actually means something. You don't really have that excuse. You're a grown-ass man.

It enraged me because of one line in particular - the part where you said "let's be honest, we're living in the real world." I also found it telling that, in the 50 seconds before that, you didn't once mention any of the problems that women face that could actually stem from or relate to what you said and did ten years ago. That, plus the real world comment, speaks volumes. It speaks of an insane amount of privilege - the privilege of someone whose "real world" doesn't include the possibility (or rather, probability, perhaps) of sexual assault. But for the rest of us, Mr. Trump, that is an EVERYDAY REAL WORLD problem, much more so than Isis or any of the other word salad vomit that you spew out and call "sentences." The same day that you debated Hillary Clinton and at the height of your classiness paraded victims of sexual assault in order to try to intimidate her, I was alone on the second floor of my building on campus and a man walked into my office - not stood at the door, walked INTO my office - and started talking to me like he had every damn right to be there. When he saw the look on my face that clearly read "I'm calculating how many things I have that will make a dent in your skull when thrown at you," he laughed and said "I'm just being friendly" before turning around and leaving.

And that's part of the problem, isn't it? That his "just being friendly" is my "fight or flight" response. There is no such thing as "just being friendly," Mr. Trump. For most women (because I am not going to speak for all), all unknown men (and many known men) are seen as Potential Rapists. We walk around with that awareness all the time. It's never NOT in our awareness, it's in the way we walk, the way we carry ourselves, the way we think about ourselves and each other. And it stems directly from people like you who insist that talking about women the way that you did on that tape is harmless "locker room talk." That "locker room talk" and us dismissing it for more important "real world" concerns is exactly why we have Brock Turners and Elliot Rodgers. This is why my husband referred to you as an "attempted former Stanford swimmer," because we don't refer to Brock Turner as a rapist.
Good thing he's not a rapist

"But Megan," I hear you say, "women like you take risks all the time that basically make complaining about things like this hypocritical. Why you, yourself, met a strange man at a bar this summer and let him buy you a drink." And to that I say, "Why, Mr. Trump, I had no idea you were reading my blog, I'm flattered. But again, you have not a single idea what goes on with women behind the scenes of things like that. What I didn't write about were the many precautions I took that night to make sure people knew where I was going, and who was responsible, should anything happen." When I made that choice I knew that I had just left dinner with one of my closest friends, and left her with the name of the person who had likely sent me there (something I shouldn't have known at the time, but did), that Periscope had a record of where I'd physically been (because I had livestreamed from a Starbucks upon arrival), and that one other person knew exactly where I was because he'd been there right before me (he had called to give me the location).  I took some flack for that decision after from several women that I know, because they would never have met an unknown man alone at a bar, never mind had the drink. Just as I took some flack for not letting the security guy walk me home from the theatre building on Sunday after the strange man walked into my office (security was called). There is never a moment where we make choices without weighing those risks to some degree. Because men like you have decided that your "locker room talk" is harmless, and the risks that it engenders aren't "real world" problems, we have to take care of ourselves, even if that seems extreme at times.

I noticed that in your list of people you'd been humbled to meet along your campaign, you didn't list one victim of sexual assault. Perhaps you should. I am fortunate - I have never been one, though men have been claiming the right to invade my personal space against my will for decades. "Your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions." What you (and other men) claim is "harmless" banter is not. It plants the seeds for the actions and thoughts that follow.

Megan Reilly
(another Hillary Clinton supporter)

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Immersive Adventures in Los Angeles: TENSION: ASCENSION, and mirrors held up to ourselves

"This is a mirror being held up to a person. It's an art installation. It's a living, breathing thing that you interact with. And it will only be unlocked based on how far you're willing to go."
- Darren Lynn Bousman

"None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. You're locked up in here with me."
- Rorschach

Two quotes that, combined, encapsulate my experience on Friday night at The Tension Experience: Ascension.

This is going to take some explaining, and it's going to get personal.

Recently I had a surreal conversation with a friend from high school who made a confession to me that took me completely by surprise. A confession that he could have made twenty years ago when it mattered, but now comes twenty years too late and no longer DOES matter beyond fond memories and ego stroking and reflections on how stupid we all are at that age, how limited our perspectives on our selves and others really can be. After the confession he also said that he wished we were closer friends now, and that we were more regularly in touch now. I thought to myself, dude, we are 40. Not 80. Unless someone isn't telling me something - and that happens regularly, so it's a distinct possibility - there is no reason why we can't be closer friends now, and be more regularly in touch now. But shortly after attempting to do this it became clear to me that he wanted to discuss high school, and sit in the past, and think about those times and those memories, not talk about the 20 years since, or what's going on today.

Normally I would not write something personal about someone else publicly, but in this case I'm 99% certain he is not going to read it, because he isn't interested in who I am. He's interested in who he WAS.

Moments like these highlight a profound difference in how I interact with people and it hits me like a fresh ton of bricks every damn time. People do make me uncomfortable. Please don't read into what I'm about to say that they don't. But I think in many ways that I often make THEM more uncomfortable than they make me.

I engage with the world as myself all of the time. This causes pain and stress because it's difficult for me to move from the role of Megan the Wife to Megan the Designer to Megan the Professor to Megan the.....whatever. I'm not any of those things, I am Megan. And I'm in the process of trying to put up Big Beautiful Walls in my brain between these parts of myself so that I can partition different selves off from one another and interact in more productive ways with people. But in the meantime, it can be difficult. I hide my feelings to the extent that I feel an adult should hide her feelings and I am able to do so, but that's it. I will react to things, truthfully, painfully, joyfully. loudly, quietly, tearfully. When people I care about hurt, I hurt for them. I cry when talking about the situation of women's health care in Texas because it's important, it's THAT important to me, and that's the right response to things that are important. I also can frequently get emotional when talking passionately about anything or anyone I love. It can be really freaking annoying to be in the middle of a conversation with someone and have to stop and say "no my eyes just leak water like that for no reason."

So when it comes to that mirror that Tension put in front of me, I don't know that it reflected back to me what the creators intended, but it did reflect something back. This past summer, the mirror showed me that the words "friendship" and "community" have different meanings to me than they do to others, and moving forward I need to remember that next time I engage fully in an online world. Who I am does not read well over 1's and 0's. My intentions have repeatedly been misconstrued and I am not blaming anyone for that except myself - I'm in Rome, not doing what the Romans do. And I've been here for nearly 40 years, still not doing it.

More accurately, I'm in Minnesota, doing what a New Hampshirite/Texan hybrid does. And there's no translator microbe on the planet that will help with that. Shortly after moving last year, I was actually having small moments of panic where I would repeat entire conversations to people and ask them to tell me what they meant. Because Minnesotans don't say what they mean. And I was assuming they did, because I do.

* * *

When others say that they are looking for the experience found in "The Game," the 1997 Fincher film, I think what they are saying is they are looking for a cool experience. And what I am saying is I'm looking for a real experience. A better comparison is to John Fowles's The Magus, which many believe was ripped off by "The Game." If you are familiar with "The Game" and not with The Magus, just stop reading this right now and go read that, because there is something wrong with you.

(Incidentally, while trying to come up with a thank you gift for the creators of Tension, I came across a signed first edition hardcover of The Magus. $1600. No, I did not buy it, but DAMN.)

It's been a very long time since I read the book, but the difference is in the level of reality the protagonist believes he is in. I don't care about spoiling a book that's 50something years old so...there is a point in The Magus where a character who committed suicide in the beginning of the book, before any of the crazy shit hit the fan, before "the game" starts at all, steps out of a car in front of her ex-boyfriend, the protagonist. It's messed up. Beyond messed up. The game that the protagonist endures in that book causes him to fall in love, to believe he's saving lives, to really live and to feel in the moment. What he is put through in that book creates real emotions, real reactions, not theatrics and acting.

When I say I want what's real, that is the feeling I'm talking about.
When I had my first encounter with Hecate, there was a part of me that fell in love a little.

Repeatedly over the past several months I've had real emotions and been laughed at for it. That's fine, it's not the first time and won't be the last. I've had people who've known me since breakfast commenting with authority on what I can and can't handle. Lovely. I have listened (read) and listened (read, because it's the internet, not actual physically present conversation) to participants having difficulties with other participants, to participants having difficulties with creators, and even to creators having difficulties with participants, and I've tried to step through several of those problems in different ways, hopefully with empathy and logic at the same time. Those conversations meant something to me, though I'm not really sure if that was reciprocated.

One of the major touchstones that the creators have come back to repeatedly with the themes of Tension is the subject of presence in an age of digital communications and social media. And from my experience, there is so much to unpack there. I remember the June Echo Park dead drop distinctly, and coming back to Terami's house afterward to find that she had been on Twitter when my Periscope went up, and she'd seen the whole thing. I sat down and told her about it, my phone on vibrate (because it's never on) in my purse. And at some point the conversation shifted from that to books to art to pottery, and she said one of the most beautiful things I'd ever heard, I'm going to get it wrong (sorry Terami) - that pottery was the "recording of a gesture." Which brought tears to my eyes, still does. And we talked and talked and talked for maybe two or three hours about art, and life, over tea, with Steve the cat.

And then I realized my phone was vibrating.
I had a TON of messages. People wanting to know where I was. Why I hadn't logged on to Slack after the Tension dead drop. Why hadn't I logged on to the forums. Tension wanting to know why I hadn't gone to the forums to share things. Friends wanting to know if Tension had thrown me in the back of a van after the park. I was so frustrated that I spent the rest of the evening  passive-aggressively asking for people's permission to leave my computer or phone and go do a thing somewhere else (yes, I do learn a few Minnesotan tricks).

Later in the summer I had an unfortunate moment where I called the creators of Tension out for something publicly on the forums. I deeply regretted doing it, but I have to admit that even months later I'm not entirely sure what other reaction they had expected me to have to what they were doing, given the claims of feeling like they "know" me. Regardless, I apologized, and then got really emotional. But I wanted to turn it into something positive, so I tried to channel the emotions that I was feeling into some sort of positive change for myself and went back to the forums as supportive enthusiastic Megan, even though inside I was tearing myself apart every day. That's one thing that no one has ever really understood about the years of work I've put into myself: I haven't gotten "better," I've just gotten better at pretending that things are fine. I've gotten better at making others comfortable. I have never managed to figure out how to actually be kinder to myself.

* * *

There are Ascension spoilers going forward, you have been warned.

Some things about immersive/interactive theatre are set up for me to fail. Ascension places you in a group of 8-9 people and I knew none of the people with whom I was seeing it - they all knew each other. I was the only "Apostle of the Beginning" in my group, one of the players from the summer. It started off beautifully, when I had the most agency. My favorite moments were in one of the earliest rooms where I interacted with several different actors, including Emilie Autumn, and because I am me, tried to engage personally with them, and to some extent succeeded. Except there was one member of my group who just kept saying "what are you doing? what is she saying? why are you talking to her? what does this mean? how does he know your name?" I snapped at that guy a few times, came very close to explaining to him that in New Hampshire we don't talk to each other and I prefer it that way. Engage with the work, not with ME. Engage with the characters, with the actors, not with ME. I can NOT be the most interesting thing in this room to you, dude. If that's the case just give me the $125 you spent on this ticket, because that's what it's going to cost for me to put up with your annoying questions.

Next room, there was a moment where I thought I saw how screwed I was. As has been discussed I am not good with being told what to do. And when I get angry in a situation where I need to shut up and be compliant, I do with with a lot of rage in my eyes that I don't consciously put there. The man in the next room, I think, saw that, and he locked eyes with me and said something like "just give in, trust me." Those words have meaning to me, and impact.

Next room, drill sergeant guy spends a LOT of time an inch from my face, yelling at me. I think moreso than the others, though they probably felt the same. And it was probably, again, that I was locking eyes with him and not backing down. And the more he yelled at me, the more I locked eyes, and the more he yelled...and again, I thought, I'm so screwed. Because this was playing directly on ME and things specific to me, reactions I specifically have. And I thought, was this going to be 2 hours of THIS, until I broke and cried? How long would that be? Most people give up before they get me to that point.

I had been given a mysterious key and ended up with a thing in my hands as a result. This thing (I don't want to give details here) ended up being a trick that didn't work, but the way that I read it was that it was a trick INTENDED for me to not work. And I even mentally filled in the blanks, I really thought I'd fucked up, I'd broken things, and then thought no, they did this to me to make me think I did. And, again, I thought - I'm screwed. They're playing directly on me, my fears of messing things up, of missing out on things.

After that, though, my sense of alienation from the rest of my group set in because I saw just how much I was Other. I wanted to engage with this piece of art deeply and seriously, and I think they wanted Legends of the Hidden Temple. They wanted a puzzle box to figure out and I wanted catharsis.

There's another thing that deeply informs my experience of Ascension that I can't really get into here, but suffice to say that I know very, very well how to endure pain and discomfort in order to get through an experience. There isn't a part of me that questions whether I will safeword out of something like this due to physical distress. It has to be psychological. There comes a point in this where you are made to drink something. I was the last person in my group to drink, and heard the reactions from everyone before me. At that point I knew, I just had to do it. It was an ordeal, and that was all. But in that moment, I'm no longer in the moment. I'm completely in my head, putting up the defense mechanisms necessary to do this thing, accomplish this task, and get through it. Right after that there was something we had to eat that was being sold to us as "flesh" of some kind, and the girl three people down from me didn't want to eat meat. I felt bad for her, and wanted to say to her, just do it, it isn't meat, it's going to be fine. Of course I didn't know what it was, still really don't, and don't really care. It wasn't a live caterpillar, that's what was important to me. But again, I don't think I was mentally and emotionally where they wanted me to be - I was with her, wanting to help her.

Regarding the Rorschach quote - at one point I was handed a cup and told they needed a sample. The man then turned his back on me. And I didn't know what to do. I asked him if he really wanted me to pee, not because I was uncomfortable for myself but because I was uncomfortable for him, and for the people backstage I knew were watching. I was willing to do it. I'm not locked up in here with you. You're locked up in here with me.

And, at the end, when I was being sacrificed to Anoch for the cult, I couldn't see but I could hear the cries of people trying to save me. I could hear their voices. And I could tell that they didn't believe I was really dead/dying/hurt/in danger. And again, I thought back to The Magus, and my brain starts going...what do I have to do to make them FEEL those very real feelings? Not to act like they're feeling them, but really to feel them?

And what do I have to do to make myself feel them?

I still don't know the answer to that question.

* * *

Afterwards in a bar over drinks one of my friends said "yeah, Megan, what you're looking for is out there - it's called snuff." I know he was joking but part of him wasn't, and it was an exaggeration of the truth, but the experience that I'm thinking of does not exist.

So. What scares me?
At one point I was seated in front of a camera and told to say my goodbyes to the world. In that room a man was standing facing the corner. Was he there because someone knew of my panic attack during the final scene of Blair Witch Project in the middle of the movie theatre in 1999?

I think what I've concluded from this is that, surprisingly, shockingly, what scares others simply doesn't scare me. I don't know why. And maybe people *are* only interested in playing pretend, and going along with something, and I come along and ruin their fun by pointing out when things are obviously fake. It goes back to a first day in grad school when we had to go around and talk about ourselves, name one thing that scared us, and they got to me and my answer was "climate change." And the room kind of just died. Because they didn't mean FOR REAL. They meant for fun.

So what the mirror has shown me, Tension, is that what I am is still outside of others' comfort zones. And I still don't really know what to do with that. I don't know if that makes me an impossible audience member/participant or not. Maybe I just need to come to some terms with that and keep going.

Let's set one thing straight here: I did not hate the show.
And I really, really dislike grapevine gossip.
I would really, respectfully, like to ask everyone associated with Tension - creators, participants, everyone - to talk TO me and not about me.
Other things transpired last night that made yesterday a very difficult day, and finding out that there was a rumor going around that I "hated" the show and had "very negative reactions" to it was upsetting.
My oldest friend's father died. I've known him since I was three. I have a vivid memory of my friend and her mom holding each other at my mom's funeral nearly 30 years ago, and I can't be there to do that for her.
On top of that, another friend tried to kill me with Bernie Sanders laser beams in his eyes because I have not bought into a carefully constructed narrative about Hillary Clinton that I've been sold for twenty years.  Because I'm not fucking stupid. And another friend told me that my dreams were impossible and I should give up. (cue Locke, in his wheelchair, screaming "DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T DO!")
If you can't take the time to have a conversation with me about the show, then don't bother having a conversation about my reaction to it. I have put a lot of time and love into this, and effort in pushing it out to communities beyond the haunt community. I believe wholeheartedly and enthusiastically in this work and still do. That hasn't wavered one bit. This is really, truly a case of "it's not YOU it's ME." YOU are locked in here with ME. Just like I have been for 39.9 years.
If my reaction and opinion matters it has to matter in conversation with me. I am allowed, as a human being, someone who has had no sleep, who has been stuck at an airport with a demon horse from hell, someone who had a two-Relpax migraine yesterday AND all of the above stuff happen, to vent emotionally to people.
If you are one of those people to whom I vented emotionally, you're right, I should have been more discerning in my choice of friends. That is a thing I need to work on and have needed to work on for awhile. I have poor judgement when it comes to moments when I'm tired and emotional and passionate about something, and there's a person who is asking me "so what did you think?????????" I own that mistake. There is no need to go running back to someone to report on what I said.

You should probably be aware, going forward, of what you're getting when you ask me questions like "what did you think of this thing I created?" or "what's your greatest fear?" I really, really wish - you have no idea how badly - that I knew how to not tell the truth, or how to "play," or how to not just be brutally honest and kill all the fun in a room. I come from a close-knit community of theatre artists that DOES NOT ask my opinion on their work unless they really and truly want it because it's in a venue where having that opinion is valued and respected highly (this is most often true in the immersive/gaming/interactive realm of theatre). Unless your name is David Bowie, I will not ever respond as a "fan." I am a theatre artist with two decades of professional experience. This is what I do. I will respond critically, honestly, always, because I care an amount you can't even spell, and I want to find out if we can answer questions about performance and immersive theatre and games and all of that fun stuff together more than anything in the world.

If you're asking what I'm afraid of you're going to get genuine fear, not things that go bump in the night. Be prepared to hear that I really don't think the environment can be saved. Know that there are lots of things I keep to myself in order to make YOU feel a little less uncomfortable.

If you want to play Two Truths and a Lie with me...well, you don't. Let's just say that. If I had been asked to play that in that room I think the show would have just fallen down around me.

And if you are some guy who decides after 20 years to tell me that 20 years ago you loved me, don't follow it up with talk about how you wish we were more in touch and closer now. I am here now. And when I say I am willing to be friends I am ALL IN. But I'm not interested in who we were then. Or in what songs by The Cure you thought were the most awesomenest. I'm interested in You. Me. This moment. Here. Now. The recording of a gesture while the clay is still wet, not the dusty thing sitting on my bookshelf half-forgotten that I made before I knew what art and life even were.