Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Top Five Works of Art Discovered/Experienced in 2017.

I love writing this every year, trying to recall every piece of art I encountered in the last twelve months. This year, because of the Edinburgh Fringe, I saw a lot more theatre than usual and so there are a lot more contenders to choose from, though not one single Broadway show or David Bowie album (sadly). I think this may actually be the first time that all five actually came from the current year - no books, movies, or albums that I was just discovering for the first time.

1. Andrew Schneider, YOUARENOWHERE

Without a doubt, this has to be number one. I called that way back in January when I saw it. This might be the best theatre I have EVER seen, not just the best this year. Nothing has come close to affecting me the way this did. Of course the recent circumstances (Travis's heart attack) helped tremendously, as well as my love for performance that incorporates technology, David Lynch, and anything that reminds me strongly of Synecdoche, NY. But, god, theatre has never fooled me like that before, never made me feel as though actual physical magic had taken place and I was unaware of it. The best word I have for it is "transcendent," and the best way I can describe my reaction to it is that it wrecked me for days after. You need to go into this show knowing nothing. Not one damn thing about it. I am dying to see his new show, AFTER, at Under the Radar in January but unfortunately can't afford a plane ticket to NYC at the moment. Hopefully it will be at the Walker in January, or somewhere else in NYC when I have more time and money, or maybe in Los Angeles on one of my 97 trips there.

2. Theatre Conspiracy, Foreign Radical

My first show at the Edinburgh Fringe in August, I saw this before anyone else in my company did and spent the rest of our time there nagging everyone to go see it. This was a perfect blending of immersive and political theatre, bringing a subject that affects not-me to an intensely personal level and forcing me to relate directly to it. It's one thing to hear about how the terror watchlist in the United States is used but it's another to have the same tactics applied to you, someone who would (likely) never have to worry about being targeted. One of the brilliant things about immersive theatre, when done right, is how effectively personal it can make any story. Foreign Radical did exactly that because after being introduced to the overall theme, that theme seemingly went out the window to be replaced by a game. By the time it came back around to being serious at the end, I was caught completely off guard and I will never forget that moment. This show wasn't about learning about myself as much as it was learning about others and about my lack of knowledge and empathy, and how I had to change.

3. Darren Lynn Bousman & Clint Sears, The Lust Experience

This feels a bit premature because it is still ongoing, but the damn thing has been ongoing since February and has taken up not only most of my year but most of Travis's as well, by proxy, and has had a massive impact on me. Last year's The Tension Experience was one of the best experiences I've ever had, but it pales in comparison in just about every aspect to what they are doing with Lust. The narrative is stronger, has more complexity, there is a deeper sense of world building and a feeling that we are an intrinsic part of that world (some of us to a greater, more disturbing, less trustworthy extent than others). I am not normally this affected by a piece of art, I am not a paranoid person, I'm incredibly logical and reasonable - but they got me, with a frightening amount of precision. At the recent "Mid-Season Event," Anointment, there was a special invite-only final show in which the performance operated like a giant sandbox: we were allowed to go wherever we wanted, interact with anyone we wanted, and the number of narratives that were taking place simultaneously was astounding. Seeing people piece together their experiences a week later from an event that only ran for four days - with one special performance lasting only one night - has been incredible. And this is a piece of immersive theatre where I am learning about myself, though not exactly pleasant things. It's making me work through things I didn't want to work through, which is not entirely what I signed up for.

4. The Theatre Practice, Blank Run

I saw this performed at World Stage Design in Taipei this past summer, as part of Scenofest. Short, simple, stunning, it's performed in Mandarin (there isn't very much language used at all) without subtitles, and it's largely a movement/video piece in which one performer is literally piecing together fragments of a memory of what happened to her. The brilliance of it to me was the structure used for projection, which allowed the projector to be mounted on a moveable frame (on castors) on which she could hang white articles of clothing. The projector served as a rear projector on these, but the entire structure could be moved without moving the image, because the projector would move with the frame. Put three of these frames together, three projectors, and you have endless combinations of "puzzle pieces" to assemble. The overall piece was haunting, the imagery was stunning, and even though "what happened" was predictable from the start, the way she discovered it was anything but.

5. Penumbra Theatre, Wedding Band

Oh look - an actual traditional play with an actual script on my list! I took my first year students to see this in the fall semester and it was beautiful. I ended up seeing it twice, taking Travis and sitting almost in the front row, which put us smack dab in the middle of the full-on rage scene between Julia and Herman's mother. I loved the discussions my students had about this play, too, and how much I learned from them, because they were so astute when it came to picking up cues from staging and design choices. The acting was phenomenal and the designs were all beautiful, and of course, because I loved it it must have morally grey areas, which of course led to all sorts of lengthy discussions in class. I'm still reading papers the students wrote on it. Of all the plays I took them to this semester this was the one I was looking forward to least, and it ended up being my favorite.

Friday, December 22, 2017

Rambling III: The Longest Night.

I used to be pagan and there are days I really do miss it - not because I miss believing in something, since I don't think that my motivations for calling myself pagan ever had anything to do with faith in anything, but because I enjoyed finding something sacred in the natural rhythms of life and the world around me. Eventually it felt hypocritical to continue to observe the sabbats when I knew I didn't "believe" in anything greater or more magical. I could continue to observe them silently, in my heart and mind, without the need for rituals that I didn't believe had any real effect. And then with time of course that observation fell away too.

A couple of the sabbats have stayed with me though, winter solstice/yule being one. I love Christmas, even as a non-Christian. I love everything about decorating my house, getting a tree, planning the gifts for friends and family, sending a ton of Christmas (holiday) cards, baking cookies, playing Christmas music, having a break from work, and on the rare occasion I get to see my family back in New Hampshire, even that. We don't have kids so Christmas is a quiet time and the solstice for me has been a time of reflection on the year that has passed, and a time to gather energy for the year ahead. The light is starting to return (which in Minnesota is no small feat). Whatever happened, happened. It's time for the new.

This past year has been hard and it's ending in a rough patch. In spite of that I've had some really amazing experiences (Mary Poppins, Scotland, The Lust Experience) but I'm definitely looking forward to what the light will bring. Yesterday brought good heart-related news. I'm teaching my favorite class this spring. More travel is on its way, including what looks like two trips to Ireland in the first half of 2018. And even though we're headed into the dreaded four months of grey, cold, slush and snow, the light is returning and it will eventually be summer again.

Found this poem this morning which resonated:

Blessing for the Longest Night

All throughout these months
as the shadows
have lengthened,
this blessing has been
gathering itself,
making ready,
preparing for
this night.

It has practiced
walking in the dark,
traveling with
its eyes closed,
feeling its way
by memory
by touch
by the pull of the moon
even as it wanes.

So believe me
when I tell you
this blessing will
reach you
even if you
have not light enough
to read it;
it will find you
even though you cannot
see it coming.

You will know
the moment of its
by your release
of the breath
you have held
so long;
a loosening
of the clenching
in your hands,
of the clutch
around your heart;
a thinning
of the darkness
that had drawn itself
around you.

This blessing
does not mean
to take the night away
but it knows
its hidden roads,
knows the resting spots
along the path,
knows what it means
to travel
in the company
of a friend.

So when
this blessing comes,
take its hand.
Get up.
Set out on the road
you cannot see.

This is the night
when you can trust
that any direction
you go,
you will be walking
toward the dawn.

—Jan Richardson

Friday, December 15, 2017

In Response to the OnStage Blog Piece.

Dear Mr. Peterson,

In response to your piece "If You Want to Major in Theatre, Avoid These Colleges: 2017-18 Edition" published in OnStage Blog earlier this week I feel I need to respond to your criticisms of the program at the University of Texas at Austin. Not just because I drank the Longhorn Kool-Aid myself but because I'm a product of the program, know many others who are as well, and lived in Austin for over 1/4 of my life. I am still in touch with faculty and was a part of the UT Austin culture my entire time in Texas, either as a graduate student or as a staff member. I worked professionally in the local theatre scene. I'm now a college professor myself and know a bit more about the struggles a program faces in the larger context of a college. And, well, I don't really sleep. I started writing this at 4am.

UT's theatre program is, like the rest of the school, big, and serves a large number of students. It's also one of the top programs in the country and the resources available to those students aren't available at most colleges - this includes the facilities, the faculty, the staff, Texas Performing Arts, the Ransom Center, and the technology available for the productions. Students who attend UT for theatre are getting an education that can't be found in many other places across the country - not all, but many. The state school I attended as an undergraduate doesn't have a fraction of the resources that UT has, despite having incredibly talented, professional, and passionate faculty, and the same is true for where I teach now. What access to these resources means for the students is that their education can be whatever they want it to be. Working with faculty and also with grad students who are on the cutting edge of the industry allows a student to pursue their own passion as far as they want, and as specifically as they want, and in my experience there UT found ways to support its students in what they wanted to do.

The New Works Festival at UT, held every other year, is, in my opinion, the best thing about the program and THE reason to attend. This festival is a major event in which students from all over campus create their own original work. Classes are suspended in the theatre department during it and the department puts all of its resources into student productions, performances, installations, exhibitions, music, or whatever else it is that they've dreamed up. These aren't your typical stagings of dead white men plays - these are original pieces of art conceived of by the students, with mentorship from faculty, support from a world-class scenic arts staff and facility, and attended by not just the campus but artists who are brought in to give workshops and talks during the event. Their work is seen. The New Works Festival broke me my first year at UT. It's where I discovered that I enjoyed creating video art, enjoyed being a generative artist, enjoyed stepping outside of my comfort zone and making something original rather than just being a designer all the time. The New Works Festival is, in part, responsible for where I am sitting at this very moment in time.

RE/CONNECT, New Works Festival 2015, photo by Lawrence Peart

UT also doesn't just have the New Works Festival but a whole host of other performance opportunities. Their season covers drama and dance, they have a playwriting program that allows for new plays to be staged as part of their mainstage productions, the Butler Opera Center provides opportunities for involvement in opera, there are collaborations with the music department, the Rude Mechanicals are the resident theatre company (and really, what more could you ask for?) and access to the Radio, Television, and Film department means that there are opportunities for learning about film and TV as well. Austin's theatre scene is small, experimental, and worth your time.

To say that any college facing cuts (or making cuts, for any reason) doesn't care about its students is ridiculous. I don't know if you are aware of the current environment in which higher education finds itself, but it's not exactly one that is supportive, well-funded, or even trusted. We are disparaged daily - by you, yourself, actually, in your own piece "How Educational Elitism is Hurting Theatre" - and trust in higher education is eroding. And any career path right now that's not in STEM is not one that many students are pursuing. EVERY school is feeling this. Every theatre program is feeling this. It doesn't matter how much a school or program cares for its students if it has to fight for resources with the math and science departments. And I'm not trying to say those departments shouldn't be getting resources either. That's another post entirely but I have argued vehemently that in this current moment in history, throwing resources at science is one of the few hopes we have as a species if we want to survive.

"In the Ether," photo by Lawrence Peart

Furthermore budget cuts are frequently not the only reason for the changes taking place. They may be the only one that makes it into a short, neat article like the one you linked to, but many other factors exist, INCLUDING caring about students. In eliminating the MFA in acting program, the department chose to focus instead on its undergraduate actors, who make up a MUCH larger percentage of the department than the grad students. The MFA program took in about a dozen students every three years (it did not accept students annually) but there are hundreds of undergraduate acting students. Now, the shows that used to focus solely on the MFA actors are open to them. The faculty that put their time and energy into the MFA students are focused on the undergrads. Does that sound like a decision that was made because a program didn't care about its students? And while I don't know all of the reasons behind the musical theatre cuts, I can imagine that there were many factors at play. The department has to cut something, and no matter what they decide it's going to make someone unhappy. In all likelihood they made the choice that benefitted their students the most. I know those people, and it's not a department made of uncaring individuals. They are the ones that taught me that the individual student comes first.

The opportunities for undergraduate students at UT are top notch and it would be heartbreaking to hear that a student read your under-researched blog post and chose another school instead of one where they would be able to make their own original work and have it be fully supported by the department, work side-by-side with cutting-edge professionals, and a chance to work in a variety of different kinds of performances (dance, opera, new work).

Furthermore, since I read your piece on elitism that I referenced above, I feel the need to address it as well. I don't know that anyone would argue that a lesser-known college means a lesser-known theatre education. However, to say that a well-known school with a highly-reputable program doesn't mean anything would be naive. As I am sure you are aware, this is a hard business, and ANY advantage a person can have going into it is welcome. Yes, my education at UT was great - but the name of the school itself has also opened doors for me. That's a simple fact. And while I'm sure that I could have had many doors open for me at another school, I can't deny the effect that an education at UT Austin has had on my life. Additionally you talk about talent, but what you don't say is that talent is incredibly cheap. What isn't cheap is hard work, which is far more valuable in professional theatre than talent. You mention Yale, NYU, and Carnegie Mellon - all highly competitive schools. Graduating from one of these school speaks volumes to an employer about your work ethic, not just your talent, because of the rigor that is known about the program. A smaller institution may be just as rigorous, but many aren't, and they aren't known for it. It's the known part that's important. In theatre, knowing people, knowing names, that gets your foot in the door. It's absolutely up to you to stay in the room, but don't kid yourself into thinking that it doesn't matter where that degree comes from.

Megan Reilly
MFA, Theatrical Design, 2007, UT Austin
Assistant Professor of Performance Design & Digital Media, Macalester College

Monday, December 11, 2017

Rambling II: The good life.

Recently I asked my first year students the following question:

At this time, what constitutes the "good life" for you? What person, activity, or thing will need to be an integral part of your life for you to consider it fulfilling and meaningful? There is no correct answer to this question, and your response might come from a wide range of possible choices (e.g. family, living in a certain geographic location, a particular lifestyle, a hobby or activity, a special person, career, etc.).

I just read their responses, some of which were inspiring, some of which were worrisome.. those ones sounded a lot like me. Given some things that are going on right now I thought I'd ask myself this question.

My good life is one in which I'm teaching design full-time at a college that also supports my research work into mixed reality performance and publishing about it; it includes students in whom I am incredibly invested. I love helping them figure out what their paths might look like, whether that's in theatre, art, or life in general. It has a home with Travis, we are both healthy, my body is cooperative and pain-free and I'm in shape enough to do Tough Mudder and my knees don't suck and migraines aren't a thing because sleep isn't a problem. Our house, which we own, is beautiful and has a back deck where we have parties with friends. We have both cats AND houseplants that coexist peacefully. I travel for work all the time, I design for all kinds of theatre and create original work - immersive/participatory/mixed reality theatre, installation art, video art. We live in a community we love, preferably someplace warm, but that isn't a dealbreaker. I hike a lot. I write a lot. And we are debt free.

Yeah. That feels like my "good life" needs at least 17 more hours every day, and explains a lot.

Since I've also come to the end of my first year of advising, and have been thinking about a philosophy of advising, I remembered Chris Hadfield's "An Astronaut's Advice," which I adore:

Decide in your heart of hearts what really excites and challenges you and start moving your life in that direction. Every decision you make, from what you eat to what you do with your time tonight, turns you into who you are tomorrow and the day after that. Look at who you want to be and start sculpting yourself into that person. You may not get exactly where you thought you’d be, but you will be doing things that suit you in a profession that you believe in. Don’t let life randomly kick you into the adult you don’t want to become.

Plus he sang David Bowie in space.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Rambling I: Here and Nowhere.

This post is stream of consciousness brain/word vomit. You have been warned.

Sometimes I assign "weird" things to my first years to read. Today we discussed Foucault's "Of Other Spaces: Utopias and Heterotopias," which has been on the syllabus since August, along with a discussion of immersive theatre and the connections (?) between the two.  Some of these "weird" readings were intended as palette cleansers between the main plays we read and saw in the class (Romeo and Juliet, Wedding Band, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time) but as we've been getting close to the end of the semester and their focus has been on their final papers, I've been able to devote a couple of classes to different kinds of performance, and that's where this came in. Plus - I want to expose them to a variety of challenging readings and relating those possibly back to theatre.

So - a discussion on what the hell is a heterotopia anyway? ensued. I haven't stopped thinking about that discussion all day.

Karolina Sobel; Color 2013 Photography "Heterotopia"

Hetero: the other, otherness. Topos: the place. Here and nowhere, a place with an ambiguous relationship to reality. Places in which to contain that which is outside the norm. A physical representation of a utopia or parallel space; a space with more layers of meaning than meets the eye......

Liminal spaces. Occupying a space at a transitional phase. Liminality is my favorite word.

The way Foucault describes a heterotopia feels very much like a space that is separate from other spaces, existing outside of reality or time. And I'm feeling in a lot of ways as if much of my life fits into that right now. Parts that I thought were headed towards permanency are feeling more transient than I originally believed. When we landed here I believed this was it, we would settle here, buy a house here. I had never wanted to buy a house before, but it suddenly seemed like a possibility. Of course, the house I wanted was at 9005 Palace Pkwy in Austin Texas, but with a new kitchen and fewer foundation problems and an actual living tree growing out of the deck but other that that yeah, a house in Saint Paul. Totally. A house was a completely achievable goal once tenure happened.

Vadim Zakharov, Black Birds, 2007 installation

Then came the heart attack, and that changed. And now, another possible and likely setback. Things change all the time. Life is change, that was one of the things spray painted on the bridge over Town Lake once. Everything that was ever spray painted on that bridge was brilliant.

The stage itself is a heterotopia. We never use it as a stage, its purpose is always to create other worlds, parallel spaces, layered spaces, other realities. Especially once we step outside realism and start placing those worlds next to one another, in ways they don't logically relate, where symbolism and semiotics carry more weight than physics and math. We ask audiences to follow us into these worlds from their seats in the house and they accept the impossibility of it in the same way that they accept the rules of other heterotopias - libraries and hospitals and universities and churches, spaces that are separated from the norms of "reality" and have their own rules and cultures within that need to be followed. Theatre is just one that stretches that lack of reality a little further. There was a review once a long time ago (omg it will soon be ten years ago Dustin Lisa Kim Kim Emily Chase Gabe we should have a reunion) that referred to our design of Ophelia as a "haunting nowhere."

Immersive theatre goes even further than that, because now the heterotopia the audience is experiencing is a physical place they can walk through, not just one they are looking at. And, in the case of something like Sleep No More or The Drowned Man, different locations placed next to each other (Macbeth's bedroom next to the cemetery next to...) don't necessarily make sense but contain meaning. Why are we telling the stories of Macbeth AND Rebecca simultaneously?

(I just realized that I sound like I honestly SHOULD like The Unconsoled and I really, really hate it. On an insanely visceral level. Sorry Mark. I can't ever forgive Ishiguro for that book.)

Vincent J. Stoker, photographer

Next week, I am going to LA. Again. Third time this year? Fourth, if you count LA-Taipei-LA as two trips. I'm going to an event for The Lust Experience (Anointment) - another heterotopia. According to Foucault, "...a heterotopia is not freely acceptable like a public place...to get in, one must have a certain permission and make certain gestures..." In the last several days I've received emails regarding my attendance at this event and its rules - signing waivers, following orders, don't touch, etc. but also that I must dress formally and wear a mask. The entire immersive experience that is Lust is a great big blurring of heterotopia and reality - can that even be possible? A bit like a visible parallel universe transposed on top of this one...Lust sits on top of reality and isn't really separable from it but also isn't part of it. Though maybe in a way it is. The Cloudmakers argued, back in 2001, that The Beast WAS actual reality for many people, and we only lived that for four months. And that in no way resembled this level of intricacy and emotional depth. There were really no actors/interactions at all.

Here and nowhere pretty much describes my life right now. Liminal.

I have found a few relationships in the last 2 1/2 years that I believe might be permanent. Until recently I considered that number higher, but now, I think it might be fewer than five. The problem, I think, is subcultures. No matter where they are, what kind they are, what purpose they serve, there seems to be a pattern of toxicity to them - a group of people drawn together around one single thing, an idea, a purpose that bonds them together and makes it nearly impossible to actually relate to them in its absence. I don't think of theatre in general or specific shows as being subcultures because they are so temporary. We come together and form a community to put up a piece of art, and then disperse. It's the ongoing, never ending (or without a known ending) relationships centered around ONE thing. When we can't leave that one thing behind and do a different thing - go out for a drink, have a conversation, support each other through a thing, it starts to feel more like a construct, a false sense of a relationship. 

Or, perhaps, it's me that's the problem in thinking that "friends" was ever a term that should apply. "Friends," for me, now that I really think about it, are the people who are not part of any thing in my life. They are outside of all things. I have one close friend from grad school, and that's probably the only example of that. One from my undergrad theatre department, though that's not where we met. Two who were friends of mine growing up. One who was a roommate from my 20s. I have a group of college friends that are good friends - that could be considered the closest thing to one of these groups, but I've always been on the outside of that, and that group has become so porous over the years that it hasn't developed any kind of toxicity. I don't know if it was like that back in college. I have all the Austin friends, but they probably fall under the same category, and in either case, those "groups" aren't spending all day, every day together as a whole, doing one thing. My close friends exist in permanent spaces, in realities - their own homes and families or apartments in New York or Austin or Los Angeles. We occasionally talk or see each other once or a few times per year or maybe more. I rarely, if ever, have to worry about what they think about me. I never really feel unwanted.

Becoming a part of a group that I don't know well, in any context, and being with that group long term, as in a subculture - that's a different story. I worry, constantly. Especially if my membership in that group is uncertain. Especially if my future depends on it. Especially if my self-worth is riding on it, which it all too often does. Everyone is fixated on the one thing that brought them together and sometimes, I'm not. Sometimes I am the one blurring the line between the reality of my life and the heterotopia of that relationship. I'm treating these subcultures and groups of people that should be compartmentalized as transparencies that I'm layering over reality.

As usual it's me that's the problem, not them. I relate to people differently. That's how it was described to me over breakfast recently. (By the way, Minnesota, get your damn migas straight. Those were NOT migas.) I connect with so few people that when I do, it holds meaning for me - but not always to the other person.

This is getting seriously close to Sputnik Sweetheart-levels of contemplation of liminality and crossing over and I may now need to watch Picnic at Hanging Rock and call Torry and really convince her of the urgent need to adapt Murakami's book into a multimedia/puppet show NOW. (Mark, do NOT call Murakami a "lightweight" just because I never ran screaming out of a Forced Entertainment production for making me feel like I was stuck in The Unconsoled.) There is always a part of me willing to cut ties in order to cross over into something else. Another layer of reality. Another space. Another...

Maybe the heterotopia needs to be sacrificed to see if there is actually a friendship worth cultivating.

Once you know for certain exactly what people think of you, is it easier to stay? When you're no longer wasting energy on paranoia and worry? I know that many would ask me why I'd want to but there are very simple answers to that question. I'm not going to put them out here, but they do exist.

So. I have learned things. A lot of things.
Next time, I'll be much better at this.
More cautious. More reserved. Less trusting. More filtering.
More likely to remember who the top 9 "favorites" in my contacts are. More likely to call them. They are what is real. What is constant.

Yeah, I'm being vague on purpose. And this post will not likely still exist in the spring.

Driving away from the wreck of the day and it's finally quiet in my head...

Thursday, November 23, 2017


I try to do this every year. Last year, life got in the way. I'm hoping this year that we have a simple, quiet Thanksgiving and I can write this list in peace.

100 Things I am Thankful For, In No Particular Order (Except for the First):

Fall at my house

  1. For Travis - for the last year I've had with him and the years to come and the fact that he lived. It was Thanksgiving last year when he had the heart attack. We've come full circle. For being my constant. For being the someone to sit in my chair. For putting up with the insanity that is me, year after year, when really, no one else would.
  2. For the rest of my family, even though I rarely see them, for not needing me to be someone different in order to gain their support, for loving me for who I am and being my family in spite of it. Even if it means we aren't always close.
  3. For Becky, who is the best friend I've ever had and who I *promise* will be dragged kicking and screaming to Hawaii without her kids one of these days.
  4. For Erica, who I canNOT believe I will very soon be able to say I've known for 40 years. I am always so happy and grateful to see you.
  5. For Stacy, who will likely not read this...but I always think of the year we lived together as one where I figured important things out about life, art, and margaritas.
  6. For Maura, also not likely to read this, who always reminds me that life should be simpler and quieter than it is.
  7. For Sarah and Szu-Feng, who remind me that I'm on the right path as an artist and I'm not walking it alone.
  8. For Bryan, Michelle, Mike, Buz, and Chelsea for being my partners on this crazy insane journey we are, for some reason, insisting on taking. And for being my friends beyond that as well.
  9. For the rest of my Tension/Lust friends.
    Last November - I don't have one from this year yet.
  10. For Terami - I am really grateful for our friendship and for how it's grown, and hope it continues that way, and I can't wait to hear more music from you some day.
  11. For Will, Liz, Rob, Beth, Colin, Rachel, Kim, Amanda, Caroline, Connor, Ellie, Lowell, Gris, Jamie, Pat, Ryan, Kat, Aaron, Joseph, Crystal, Judd, Kat, Kelli, Kim, Lisa, Rebecca, Roby, Sarah, Stephanie, and Zac - for being the best thing about Texas and always reminding me where home is (and yes, some of you aren't in Texas anymore, but I'm lumping you in there anyway).
  12. For Chris, Darcy, Bob, Irene, Antoine, Chrissie, Jeff, and the rest of the old friends from New Hampshire we are still in touch with, for always being there, consistently for over 20 years.
  13. For Bob Schmidt and Sandy Stone, for changing my life and continuing to be my friends.
  14. For Torry, for being an amazing friend, a passionate collaborator, and a fierce supporter.
  15. For Mark and Trish, for being our rocks here in Minnesota, and for everything you did for us while Travis was in the hospital.
  16. For Ian, Kate, Steph, Maggie, Justine, Aaron, Anahita, Monty, Victor, Myles, Sydney, Andrew, Laura, Leila, Aizzah, David, Yousiff, Cecilia, and Ellen - did I forget anyone this time? - for being the BEST family and the best part of 2017, I miss you all and Edinburgh so much.
  17. For whatever it was the above people had me drinking in Scotland - because it DIDN'T give me migraines.
  18. For Kaitlin and the rest of the PPAF/Mary Poppins crew - thank you for an exhausting and fun start to my summer!
  19. For Darren and Clint, and all other parties involved, for this amazing, crazy impossible emotional shitstorm of an adventure called The Lust Experience that you've brought into my life this year. 
  20. For all the people in the past week who have given me much needed advice and pep talks - especially Ann and Greg. Without the two of you I'd still be mentally spinning my way into crisis.
  21. For Sam - seriously, I'm really grateful to have connected with you here in the past couple of years. Thank you for listening and giving advice. And teaching me about ethics!
  22. For Dr. Yannopolous, for saving my husband's life, creating this insane experimental procedure and just being brilliant. And putting up with me in the emergency room.
  23. For Mike Croswell and our collaborations this year.
  24. For Kathryn and our conversation at USITT.
  25. For the chance to take my students to USITT last year.
  26. For the chance to be published in a peer-reviewed journal.
  27. For all the people who helped me finish my article.
  28. For Karen Maness, for giving me a few basic painting skills this past summer.
    Three days well spent
  29. For Taipei and the adventure there.
  30. For Andrew Schneider and his mindblowing life-changing work YOUARENOWHERE.
  31. For Theatre Conspiracy and their amazing show Foreign Radical.
  32. For Scotland, absolutely everything about my entire time there.
  33. For the team of the upcoming Ireland project.
  34. For my FYC, and all the adventures seeing theatre together.
  35. For my students in general - there are days when you are the reason I get out of bed.
  36. For The Cherry Orchard, and especially all the amazing seniors involved.
  37. For my kitties, for god only knows what. Being living alarm clocks and not being around when they're wanted and being pains in the ass and acting really weird and throwing up a lot.
  38. For knowing that even if things go south we are pretty ok for the near future.
  39. For a year that included design work abroad, and an upcoming year with more design work abroad.
  40. For knowing what I'm passionate about and not being afraid to pursue it.
  41. For teaching my first year students writing this semester, which in turn has had the effect of teaching ME more about writing than I knew before.
  42. For exciting new collaborations just peaking over the horizon.
  43. For generic Relpax! Finally!!
  44. For hot water with lemon and honey when you're sick with an awful cough.
  45. For hot baths with Aura Cacia bath salts and Beth Orton playing on Spotify.
  46. For the new down comforter that Shitty Third Cat hasn't destroyed yet, and knowing how AMAZING it's are going to feel to get into once it's 30 below.
  47. For the holiday season starting this weekend.
  48. For apple pie and pumpkin muffins.
  49. For having a car that isn't going to die this winter. Or next.
  50. For Mr. Robot. Seriously.
  51. For the beautiful piece of pottery I bought in Dihua Street in Taipei.
  52. For still being able to play the piano, even if it's only a little.
  53. For scallops bought from the seafood place on Snelling.
  54. For game night with the Vaillancourts.
  55. For the night in Edinburgh over pizza when I realized I was sitting with a bunch of theatre artists who were just as excited about immersive theatre and gamification as I was.
  56. For everyone who puts up with me when I'm drunk. And for Chelsea for taking my phone away last time.
  57. For the Kelpies.
    So glad we made this journey.
  58. For people who have known me so long I don't have to explain anything to them. 
  59. For Austin, and the rest of Texas.
  60. For the smell of honeysuckle.
  61. For having the ability and opportunities to travel for my work.
  62. For the Hadestown live recording.
  63. For paneer tikka masala and kheer from India House.
  64. For running.
  65. For Penumbra's production of Wedding Band.
  66. For Christmas Cookie scented candles from Yankee Candle.
  67. For books that Chelsea makes me buy.
  68. For grants that fund upcoming trips.
  69. For Hidden Room Theatre & the phone call I had with Beth the other night.
  70. For evenings when I actually do yoga before bed.
  71. For days spent unplugged.
  72. For finding good massage therapists when out of town.
  73. For the people in my life who don't doubt that I can handle myself.
  74. For the day when I introduced Steph to putting cream in her coffee.
  75. For jokes about whips that will never, ever die.
  76. For possibly going to the Under the Radar festival and the dress rehearsal of Andrew Schneider's new piece in January.
  77. For gratitude journals. Yeah I do it, shut up.
  78. For Jim Halvorson at Cajah Salon.
  79. For actually good Mexican food, when I get to have it.
    She couldn't finish it.
  80. For 4 years of keeping the 50+ pounds off!
  81. For everything that David Bowie has ever made.
  82. For a night with Maggie, Ellen, Laura, and Steph and a video we made.
  83. For Ontroerend Goed's LIES.
  84. For the visit with Jamie in Moorhead.
  85. For playing Settlers of Catan with the Transmission crew.
  86. For the pieces of design-driven performance I saw at World Stage Design 2017.
  87. For coffee.
  88. For flowers from students after the closing of a show.
  89. For getting to be a part of Swim Pony's The End this year.
  90. For Max the cat following me to class.
  91. For Catherine, who I clicked with the very first week I was here at Mac.
  92. For all the women lighting designers who make up that 20%.
  93. For the Spider Web ARG group.
  94. For the way the sun hits the trees in my neighborhood during sunset in the summer.
  95. For middle of the night focuses in Portsmouth by the ocean.
  96. For cats named Steve.
  97. For Yoga with Adriene.
  98. For the Fusebox Festival, even though I haven't been in awhile.
  99. For the graffiti on the bridge over Town Lake.
  100. For Jacob's Well and dreams of swimming there soon.
    Next summer?

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Five Things: Notes from "The Cherry Orchard" Tech

1.  Oh The Cherry Orchard. The stars of the show are the dog, Lynn Farrington's costumes, and the seniors who are just doing incredible work in the lead roles. I've been busting my ass and hopefully the lights and projections are keeping up with them. My friend Patrick Lord and I commiserated earlier this week about the insanity of lumping in projection design with any other element and if at any point in this process I'd been ONLY the lighting designer I think I would have slept 50% more. It really makes me question why I purposefully want to be designing more than one element at once. But I do.

2. As soon as I get a moment I need to write and submit a grant application for travel in April to Dublin. I'm incredibly excited about this project, the collaborators I'll be working with and the space we've booked, and as soon as I feel better about publicly sharing details I'll be writing a TON about it and the process of developing it. April will be our workshop, the performance will be in June. This will be the first time I've been to Ireland (I don't count stopping in an airport). It's a country I've wanted to visit my entire life. I'll be spending most of June there making immersive theatre.

3.  I am part of a group of artists/academics/game developers who have submitted a "paper" to a special issue of Ada: A Journal of Gender, New Media, and Technology. Note the quotes - yes it's an actual paper but it's fiction and really it's a rabbit hole for a short ARG, and while it's unlikely that anyone will ever actually find it since its obscure, that is me in the ending video. My first and hopefully last ever performance. I can't act. Now we wait and see what happens next with this project.

4. Last Thursday Travis and I went to see Zhauna Franks' The Dream Channel - Episode 3 (in 3D) at Open Eye Figure Theatre. I was thrilled to see this piece in Minneapolis - I have not had much luck finding experimental, surreal, or immersive work here. This piece was truly beautiful and if it had had a longer run I would have gone back to see another "path" - there were four completely separate shows, not four of the same shows but in different orders. The scenes that Travis saw were not what I saw. There were parts that didn't quite land for me and I think our group walked into the final scene after it had already begun, which felt kind of strange, but I hope Franks does more work like this with her company, Strange Loop Projects, I hope that at some point we can work together on something, and I hope that this spreads to the rest of Minneapolis.

5. I have gone back and forth repeatedly about The Lust Experience and writing about my personal journey with it this year - last year my involvement in Tension was somewhat limited, and even though I expected the same this year that's not the case. This is...not last year. I am more involved, and am not sure how to write about it, or if I should at the moment, or even where to do so. And in the past four years I've discovered that I really love writing, and feel compelled to write about this and other pieces of art that affect me on this level (well, very few do, so let's just say other pieces of art that are good).

(Dear god. I just used "affect" when I meant "effect.")

Everything I write here now is written with one eye looking through the lens of my job. Why is there a need to publicly process things that we go through? That wasn't the case pre-2000. But I am sitting here lately feeling unable to do just that, when the truth is I can write about it, I just can't do so and post it. Is it just because this piece of art is affecting me (did it correctly that time) that much and that's what this blog is for - but the subjects it touches on are too personal and intimate to discuss openly?

One thing I can say for certainty is that - just like last year - this is highlighting how "other" I am. How much I don't interface with the world in the same way that others do. That's a lot to think about this week; the events and circumstances that made me who I am probably also made that part of me.

What would you change if you could?

Image: Dave Senesac, 2007

This damn week always coincides with the end of daylight savings, the first cold weather, and a tech for a big show. It's like the universe is conspiring against me...

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Only the most iconic sound cue in all of theatre.

Suddenly a distant sound is heard, as if from the sky, the sound of a breaking string...

That is how I have been feeling lately. I keep returning to that sound. Not because I'm about to experience the fall of the Russian empire but because this has been one of the most challenging semesters yet. I feel stretched thin. My first year students have asked me to do a lecture on self-care and how there are only so many hours in a day, and you can't do everything, and I keep thinking I am so not the person for this. Sleep is not a thing right now. Or human relationships for that matter.

Research image
But I'm sitting in the production meeting for The Cherry Orchard right now and just heard that sound cue, or the version of it that currently exists. I also just now heard the music that signals the dreams/fugues that I am creating with projections and lighting. I love working with Mike Croswell, the sound designer, and hearing his work has made me want to run home and create. Forget eating forget sleeping forget grading papers and teaching drafting and the ATHE pre-conference and the article/ARG that is on a deadline and the grant I need to apply for to get to Ireland in April and fun shit like my birthday or going to LA soon or The Lust Experience or SLUT or getting together with the junior faculty I started at Macalester with...

Research image
In lighting design today we did "Image of the Week," where I have the students bring in (on Tuesdays) an image (printed out on paper because I'm old) that has interesting lighting in it. Since the class is small this semester I try to join in with them, also to try to shift them away from images of skies or lights and towards images of people being lit. Today instead of showing photos, I showed the color palettes for the lighting design for The Cherry Orchard. I get unreasonably excited by color mixing and wanted to show them how I had selected the colors for sunsets and sunrises in the play. And, hopefully, it all works out on stage the way it does in my head. Lighting continually kicks my ass, reminding me that I don't know everything, and I love it.

Research image
This will be our last show in the proscenium theatre at Macalester before they tear it down and build us a whole new theatre building, with a new (flex) theatre. Opening night is November 2, which has never been my favorite day to begin with to be around people, especially this year, and there will be a reception and alumni will be coming to say goodbye to the space. And after that, hopefully, I can relax and breathe a little.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Long ago, there was a strange deception.

I just looked back through emails to confirm it - ten years ago this week we started work on Transformations.


This started as the project that "ruined my life," the grad school assignment from Bob Schmidt that became Rapunzel - Kim Gritzer and I creating performance art in the basement of the Brockett Theatre at UT Austin for the New Works Festival in 2005, which was invited to be performed at the Prague Quadrennial in 2007. And there was a second piece that was an ActLab project, also in 2007, Sleeping Beauty, one of my many attempts to throw art at my lifelong messed up relationship with sleep while simultaneously making some sort of feminist statement. And the freezing cold First Night performance under the bridge.  Then Sarah Mosher added a couple of pieces of her MFA thesis - Snow White and the absolutely stunning Red Riding Hood. All of these pieces centered around Anne Sexton's poetry, which yes, I'm aware has been staged countless times but really, who cares? We wanted to do it too. And Salvage Vanguard Theatre had a space for two weeks in February, and an empty office building allowed us to rehearse, and a whole bunch of women artists let me pretend to be a director/creator for the first time in my life and not just a designer. Travis and Will formed a theatre company to produce it. Terami Hirsch wrote original music. Noe Venable allowed me to use hers and recommended books. Liz Fisher and friends took a field trip to gather branches which I deemed were "not enough" and I am pretty sure that they hated me for it. There was "blood" everywhere - because when you are obsessed with the image of a woman walking through a pool of blood and how brilliant you are, you forget that at the other end she has to EXIT the pool of blood and walk around backstage. We shamelessly ripped off ideas and held dance parties backstage and my favorite book made an appearance randomly onstage, as did I, which I hated. There were apples, of course. And one day Liz Watts caught the apple as it rolled across the floor to her hand, blindly, and it was magic, and we spend DAYS trying to recreate that moment. And the sea of stretch fabric, and all the video. And the crazy cat lady I insisted on putting in the middle of the show - which, by the way, worked. And Mark and Trish's daughter fingerpainting, on camera. She just this year started high school.

Red Riding Hood

When people ask me why I am so hard on myself, Transformations is one of the reasons why. I want to be better than that. I want to take everything that was un-workshopped and under-rehearsed and make it better. I want to ruthlessly cut what didn't work. I want to have more than two ideas represented onstage over and over. I want to know how to do what I'm doing better. I want more confidence in my own work. I want to bring in other people to show me how to be better. The idea in Sleeping Beauty, which became the opening piece - that women and girls have been anesthetized, made to sleepwalk through a world that hates them - is far more interesting than a stage covered in literal or metaphorical menstrual blood, even though we didn't intend it to be that at the time (how else was it supposed to be interpreted?).

Me creating branch skirts, 2007

For a little while after Transformations I felt like a generative artist - there were installations and original pieces of video and real collaborations on new works. The past several years have been non-stop DESIGN, for which I am very grateful, but I have wanted more for a long time now.

Thank you, so much, Travis, Will, Amanda Gass, Kacey Glantz, Liz Watts, Jessica Kincer, Lynn Badgett, Janna Robison, Amy Kersten, Amy Guerin, Julia Shackleford, Terami Hirsch, Kim Bird, Sarah Mosher, Kim Gritzer, Kacey Samiee, Ron Weathers, Sandy Stone, Jonathan Sylvan, Paige Vaillaincourt, Adam Hilton, Allison Whittinghill, Frank Vela, and the guy that tattooed the words on my foot - We are strong, We are the good ones.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Adventures in Edinburgh: Lula del Ray, Red Bastard, The Kelpies

Manual Cinema - Lula del Ray

I can't explain to you how HAPPY seeing three overhead projectors on stage makes me! I've seen a couple of shows using overhead projectors (and created one for my thesis way way back) but this was just stunning. Manual Cinema is a group out of Chicago, which means I can drive 6 hours to see their work, and I just might do that now that I know it exists. Lula del Ray reminded me of Kid Koala's Nufonia Must Fall - very similar in how the actual *making* of the performance is a part of the performance itself, all musicians and technicians onstage, and the audience can watch the creation of the "movie" on the overhead projectors, just in case they forget they aren't watching a film. Which, if you just watch the screen, you can do. It's beautiful, seamless, and stunning.

Austin people, they are coming to the Long Center, you need to see them.

Preshow, with overhead projectors ready!

Red Bastard - Lie With Me

So, it's been a day since I saw Red Bastard's show at the Fringe and I have some complicated thoughts.

First, this was an odd show for me. As a rule I tend to stay away from comedy and also from clowning, but everyone in the Transmission company recommended this highly, so I bought a ticket. And, it was funny, as long as you were ok with having someone REALLY mess with the audience, in a pick people out and put them on the spot in front of 200 people whether they liked it or not kind of way. If you don't want to be put on the spot, don't sit in the first few rows of his show. Also, because the subject matter...eventually...became "relationships," and my views on relationships don't line up with "normal" views (Travis's words) a lot of what was funny to some was just bewildering to me. As in - people really think that? Wow.

My main issue was with language that he used, confusing its meanings. The show is called Lie With Me, and moves from showing the audience how they are all liars to a discussion about love and the so-called rules of love. The two are linked, in this discussion, because he talks about cheating and gets a few people to admit to cheating. He then asks who knows the definition of "compersion," and four people, including me, raise their hands. This ultimately turns into a story about his own journey to "rewrite the rules of love." But compersion as I understand it has nothing to do with lies. And linking the two together gives the wrong impression to those 196 who didn't raise their hands. Compersion - the feeling of joy at someone else's joy, usually linked with polyamory - requires openness and trust and honesty and NOT cheating. It sounded as though he was endorsing lying to one's partner because he was rewriting his own ethics because love.

My second issue was the last bit, where he waits for someone to come up onstage and be his partner, insinuating that it could be for a minute or for....however long. He is open to...? Yeah. And this is probably just MY issue. Or my issueS. Because first, are you serious about this? That seems, at the Edinburgh Fringe, like a plausible way to end your show. And second - you're going to have this courtship in front of 200 people?? Eventually one guy did stand up and we watched as it was uncomfortable and cringe-inducing and awkward and oh god make it stop. I couldn't watch, because I can't watch those things without FEELING how I would feel the entire time, which is that there are 200 people watching me, and I don't mind being in the performance but I mind the audience. So if you're NOT serious, then this whole ending is about feigning that seriousness, which is embarrassing to the person who got up onstage, and that's not ok for me.

So, yes, funny show, but...I don't know.
Also, thank you JaneZero, wherever you are, for teaching me about compersion, 16 years ago.

Trip to the Kelpies

My last day in Scotland called for something special, so I got up early and a couple of us took a train to Falkirk ("those men...who bled the ground red at Falkirk..." sorry that is constantly in my head when I hear "Falkirk!"). There's a public art installation there called The Kelpies, by artist Andy Scott, and honestly more than Arthur's Seat, more than Edinburgh Castle, I've wanted to see this. Going first thing in the morning meant that there were very few people, and it was sunny. We beat the rain, had a great time, got out of the city for a couple of hours and took beautiful photos.

Just stunning

The Kelpies, as we approached

That is me, for scale

Tonight, we head out as a company to a couple of pubs and tomorrow I head to the airport to fly home. I'm really ready to go home and see Travis and the kitties. I've loved Edinburgh and had the best time here at the Fringe but I'm so happy to be seeing them tomorrow.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Adventures in Edinburgh: Baby Mama, Lies, and Seance

I've been awful about writing and I've seen 15 "shows" or "events" (edited at the end of my trip to show total of 18 shows):

  1. Theatre Conspiracy - Foreign Radical 
  2. We are Jane Doe/Zanetti Productions - Jane Doe
  3. Doughnut Productions - Speaking in Tongues
  4. Mariah McCarthy - Baby Mama: One Woman's Quest to Give Her Child to Gay People
  5. Agent November Productions - Agent November: Major X-Plow Shun
  6. Malaprop - BlackCatfishMusketeer
  7. Ontroerend Goed - Lies
  8. Binge Culture - Ancient Shrines and Half Truths
  9. Darkfield - Seance
  10. Auld Reekie's Haunted Underground - Ghost and Torture Tour
  11. The Scotch Malt Whisky Society - Dram is Worth a Thousand Words
  12. Tidy Carnage - Shame
  13. Mr and Mrs Clark - (FEAR)
  14. Theatre Voliere - Evocation
  15. Quote Unquote Collective/Why Not Theatre/Aurora Nova - Mouthpiece
  16. Joanne Ryan - Eggsistentialism
  17. Manual Cinema - Lula del Rey
  18. Red Bastard - Lie With Me

Originally I had wanted to write about everything I saw, but there are of course some things that I just *don't* end up enjoying or have nothing to say about and therefore writing about them becomes a chore. Instead, here are a couple of the ones that really stood out.

Mariah McCarthy - Baby Mama: One Woman's Quest to Give Her Child to Gay People

Mariah has been a friend of Travis's for awhile and I've heard a ton about her. I finally got to meet her recently, and FINALLY got to see this show. And it was incredible. Moving, funny, beautifully put together, I am so thankful that I got to see it while I was here. Unlike Jane Doe this one woman show DID pull me in and did engage me. I didn't know the story, knew vaguely how it ended only because I knew her. But there's something about the way she tells this story that demonstrates that no matter how many times she has performed it, Baby Mama still cuts through Mariah with all of the emotions every time. I nearly made it out of the theatre without crying, but I didn't, and that is RARE for me.

Ontroerend Goed - Lies

By the way, this piece isn't called Lies, but I don't feel like finding the right combination of keys on my keyboard to actually pull up the correct spelling, so just go to their website to see its real title. This was the second immersive piece I saw at the Fringe that blew my mind. It was executed beautifully, from the moment the doors were opened and the audience members were greeted until the very end. The first thing that struck me was how completely designed the space felt - not something I had seen much of in Edinburgh but they had managed to do it. Dimly lit wooden tables were scattered about and we were instructed to sit at them in groups of six or seven. Each table essentially represented a country, and each of us represented a bank. The "show" was really a "game" in which the banks invested in different products, starting at first with tangible things like steel, but slowly working towards riskier, less tangible investments.

Lies did the impossible - for one shining moment, I understood the financial collapse. I couldn't possibly explain it to you now, but I got it, and understood bailouts, and why they are necessary, and how we have built this system on fake money and fake investments that is going to fail every time. It was absolutely fascinating and a TON of fun. This is the kind of show I would see over and over and over, to get a sense for how to play it, whether having any strategies at the table would change the outcome, or postpone it (assuming the show wasn't confined to 90 minutes). However it's sold out through the rest of its run (tickets may be available at the door, that happens with some shows if you go early enough and for this it's worth it).

Darkfield - Seance

Last but definitely not least, for now, the third immersive piece that was so good. Seance is a 15 minute piece inside a shipping container. I've touched a bunch of times on my inability to suspend disbelief and how knowing too much about the workings of theatre has a lot to do with that. Sound design is an area I know NOTHING about, and it made up about 80% of this show (the remaining 20% being kinetic - vibrations felt through the seat and table in front of you). Seated in pitch black, the only things defining the space for you for those 15 minutes are the sound that's coming through your headphones and your memory of the inside walls when you walked in - and it's so very easy to believe in the one that is happening now, and asking you to believe now, rather than the one that is in the past and unreachable. I was actually able at times to let go and believe that the space I was sitting in was different than the one I had walked into

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Adventures in Edinburgh: Foreign Radical & Transmission Opening

I've been in Edinburgh, Scotland for about a week and a half now - about half my time here is gone. The festival opened yesterday and our show, Transmission, opened today. I'm not going to go into how many pages and scenes and hours of video and number of hikes up Arthur's Seat and broken feet and podcast episodes and renders and Skype meetings and bottles of Scotch and resubmissions of the app to Apple have gone into this. But I feel so fortunate to have been a part of this project and look forward to where we go in the future.

I am in love with this city and this country.

Theatre Conspiracy - Foreign Radical

My first Fringe show was today - I bought a ticket to the performance of Foreign Radical that was right before Transmission's first performance. The description was the only thing I knew about it: "Thirty participants are invited into an intriguing theatrical game exploring security, profiling, privacy and freedom of expression in the age of cybersurveillance. Mobile throughout the performance, the participants collaborate, compete, investigate, debate and spy on each other. Depending on personal and group responses, participants witness different perspectives on the action, gathering evidence from dramatic scenes and documentary media that colour their views and how they play the game." Really, it's subject matter is the ease with which a person can be marked a "terrorist" or be placed on the "terror watchlist" in the US, making it difficult to impossible for them to travel.

I feel like I say this ten times a year but - I see a lot of immersive theatre. And I absolutely love it when I see something that does something different. I feel like so much of what I see does the same damn thing as something else. The number of shows I consider "good" is not large. I've actually started really winnowing that list down to a small handful, and that doesn't even include Sleep No More at this point in my life. Learning Curve is on it, as is The Tension Experience (ARG included), The Day Shall Declare It, and Biography of Physical Sensations, and now Foreign Radical. Those five shows are radically different. They all do different things.

There will be spoilers for Foreign Radical in this blog post, so if you are planning to see it then don't read any further.

Early on the audience is introduced to the format of the show as a "game" with a "host." It's all flashy pink lights and fun and the host is wearing a white tux. He starts asking questions of the audience, after learning their names, and the questions start to divide them into quadrants - things like "if you change your passwords regularly, walk to this side of the room, if not, walk to that side" and then "if you use a messaging app that's secure, walk to this side, if not, that side" so that the entire audience is now in four different corners. Then, pointing to the corner of people who answered "yes" to both questions, he tells the rest of the audience to point to the one who looks the most paranoid. That person is called out and separated. This happens a few times. And then it was my turn, and I was labeled the radical. This was based solely on my answering yes to two questions, and - in all likelihood - the army green jacket I was wearing.

An hour later, the audience has played the "game," and decided the fate of one man, whether he's been placed on the watchlist or not. And it's then that a disheveled, not-having-fun-anymore host walks in, in complete silence, with a chair. He puts the chair down on the stage in a square of white light, and then stares at it. Silence.

And then my brain put it together, and just as it was putting it together and saying "wouldn't it be crazy if - " the host says:

"Megan, have a seat."

Immersive theatre has made me do some dumbass things. And I have a feeling that isn't going to let up with whatever The Lust Experience might do with me. The thing is, for all of the times I've gone to a show with shocking moments (Tension or Biography, for example) I was mentally prepared. I knew that something was going to happen, if I didn't fully know what. I knew to be guarded. This, I had no idea. None. No guard up, no preparation of sarcastic things to say, no control in the situation at all, just...."Megan, have a seat." Quietly. Without looking at me. No eye contact, no drama, just this chilling silence.

So I sat, and for ten minutes or so I was questioned by the man who had previously been the suspected terrorist. He didn't ask anything awful, or anything terribly prying, but it didn't matter. I hate being in that position, having to talk about myself in front of an audience, especially when it's seemingly inconsequential stuff. At one point I stopped the conversation and said "why are you asking me questions about Minnesota?" and he responded "you brought up Minnesota, you're the one who wants to talk about it." This was worse - way worse - than answering questions in the processing room in Ascension because I knew those were coming. Worse than being called out for things I had written while wearing nothing but my underwear. I might not have known that exact scene was coming, but I knew enough to know something would happen and I could prepare for it. Plus, it's a lot easier for me to stay removed emotionally and mentally when I'm being asked questions about things that most people find uncomfortable but I don't. Start asking me the personal intimate questions about things that matter, and I will look for a way out as soon as I can. Especially if I think that I'm doing it wrong ("are we supposed to be talking about Minnesota or did I mess that up?").

I did not expect to be sitting there at this piece, being questioned. Having to name a battle I'm fighting, or explain my feelings about Minnesota, in front of all these strangers, in a bright white spotlight. I was only sitting in that chair, I'm assuming, because I was labeled a "radical" by the audience, none of whom know me. They gave me that label based on two pieces of information they had with no context whatsoever, and more than likely my army green jacket. Because of those things, at the end, I was in the spotlight.

Ding ding ding - that's the point, right? To have seemingly harmless acts be the ones that end up hurting you?

Later my friend Michelle would say to me "I would *never* call you a 'radical.'" Nope. Never. Angry? Absolutely. But my actions and decisions and even the clothes that I was wearing had context, and once explained, that context would probably remove that edge. Of course there's one thing that couldn't change and that's the the fact that I'm white / not a middle-eastern male. It's much easier to give a white woman's actions context and explain them away in the face of fear than it is to do the same for someone perceived as perpetually "other."

Transmission Opens

We opened officially today, which means the app has been launched, we had our first mission briefing today and our first public performance of the window dance scenes. It was pretty great to see a crowd gathering to watch the actors perform in the windows of our hostel (as if they were the windows of the characters themselves).

I do need to take a day just to experience our show the way it's meant to be experienced, walking the city with the app and discovering everything. I've been so focused on my small corner of it that I haven't stepped back to fully take in the scope of the entire work. I do hope that we continue with this piece and move forward to the next stage  so that people in the US and Canada can see what we've been up to.

My first Edinburgh Fringe, first show seen, first show opened.

Notes from Dublin: Rambling, Emotional, Barely Coherent.

This has been a strange two weeks to be in another country, especially one that isn't a major world power. Ireland doesn't have the ...